Can't wait till Charlotte!

So I talked to him yesterday. I texted him a lot, trying to get him to talk to me. And then I told him not to make me mad or I may tell her. Which I knew would get him. So I apologized. Turns out he sprained his ankle playing basketball and lost his phone last week.

I told him I was would like to hear from him soon, which I thought would be Wednesday, because he had work to do till then.

About an hour later he texted me, talking about how stressed he was. So I told him a story to help him release his stress. And then another. 

Then I told him I was worried about him getting stressed out about cheating. 

Sam: I'm not sure

Me: Do u want to stop?

Sam: Yeh I should. Have you been talking to anyone?

Why would he ask that? Why would he say he should stop, and in the same text ask if I'm seeing anyone? 

He's said he's really gonna try to stay in Charlotte. 

Nothing for a week

So I haven't heard from him for a week. And I'm not bothered by it, at least not very much. I began a pill for depression and anxiety this week, with bad side effects. The dizziness and nausea are getting better, but I still have nervousness for a few hours after I take it. It's not quite an anxiety attack, although I am close right now, but my whole body is just kind of tense, I can't stop clenching my jaw. I'm seeing my psychiatrist again Monday, I'll talk to her then.

Anyway, so here is why I am concerned. I saw on Amanda's away message this past weekend that she was staying in taking care of her baby- either Sam or her dog. And nothing in reference to it since, in fact besides a photo post on her Facebook, there has been no activity, she hasn't even been online for a few days. But I'm sure if there was something seriously wrong with Sam she would have posted something.

Also, at the beginning of our last convo he said he came up to my hotel thinking it would happen, and that he doesn't hold it against me.

Also, with the vacation to Beaufort I said that I have no one to go with and he asked when I wanted to go. I do think he would like it. But he has a gf still. 

Anyway, back to studying so that I can pass this exam and move to Charlotte! Two weeks and 2 days until he graduates, and I see him soon after! 

Two things to say to him

So I got bored last night and read through our most recent conversation, a very sexual one. And before it turned to sexual, which he brought up, well here's how it went:

I tell him I'm still dating...

Me: I'm trying to get over u, bc u really don't seem to want to be with me. But everyone either parties or is married (the truth).

Him: You still moving to Charlotte?

Me: Yes. I have friends there. Travis (a friend from college) knows everyone. While I'd like to think wed get together, I doubt it, so I have opportunities.

Him: That one place is right down the road from me (I looked at one complex near him).

Me: Well u have a gf, and ga. So what's the point? I'm gonna get a job then find a place. I didn't like it anyway.

Him: I'll still talk to you.

Then I ask him if he came up to my hotel thinking that would happen and he said he thought it might and then I asked if he thought they would last and he said he didn't know.

But next time I go down I'm going to tell him I want to look at apartments, but I can't because I don't know where I'll work. He'll probably tell me to just look in North Charlotte and I'll ask him why he wants me to move there so much. 

The other convo I want to have with him is about my vacation. I told him before that that I just needed a vacation and I told him about Beaufort, where I want to go. He asked when I wanted to go, just polite convo. But I'm gonna bring it up again. Of course there is no way we would go if he still had a gf, but I really do think he would like the town. It's a very slow town. I want to go horseback riding, which he told me he used to do when his family had horses. And I want to go parasailing. It's a town where you just kinda walk down the street and window shop. Well see! I found a great little bed and breakfast, and I have enough money already saved up for 1 night. We'll see! 

so Sam and I texted in our own special little way again yesturday. And he really seems to want me in Charlotte, in North Charlotte, where he lives. He was really talking about a complex I looked at. And I told him I've been dating (fine, I lied), but I probably will start a physical thing with Jeremy. We talked about that last night. Can't wait to be in Charlotte though. He said he doesn't know if him and Amanda will make it. 

I also decided what I will get him for graduation- a Chevy key ring with manlier than anything engraved on the back. Because of when I told him that truck is manlier than chest hair.

Working with crazy bitch today... all day... then Sunglass hut. Long day, can't wait for a vacation! 

I hope things haven't changed

So I hope things haven't changed between Sam and I since we slept together. We had fun in the IKEA parking lot, it didn't feel awkward, at least not on my side. And I tend to look for awkward. 

But I have hardly talked to him since. I asked him to talk to me on my way out to my car on Friday, and after saying I would try anyway he said he was busy. I asked again on Saturday with no reply. I had a feeling I shouldn't try again, and I was right, apparently she had dinner with his family.

But I have never seen him freak out like that. I am worried about him. I am worried he'll stress out again and she'll figure it out. I just don't want him to get hurt. But I am hoping the guilt will get to him and he will break up with her, and he will get with me. 

But I am going to text him tomorrow afternoon, and just tell him that I am worried about him, I have never seen him like that. Also that he didn't have to worry about me. I won't tell her, and my perception of his feelings for me haven't changed. Also that I hope that still feels comfortable talking to me, that I am still here for him in any way he needs, and that I still need him to be my friend. And also that I am not only moving to Charlotte for him. My other reasons are important enough that even if he ended up in Georgia, I would still come to Charlotte this summer. But that I hope he would stay in Charlotte, that I still think it is in his best interest. And I think I'd also request that he unblock me. That e-mail is outdated, and not checked often. And that it would be nice to be able to send him messages on facebook, but that I would feel better not being friends with him, that I actually think it would be a better idea. 

This is a lot... should I e-mail this? I just did. 

The next day

So yesturday I saw him again. He was sick :-(. But we didn't have time to eat because he slept in, which is good. He carried in the heavy thing all by himself, I returned it, bought my chair covers, and then we went back out to my car to eat the pie. Which he kept saying was amazing. He also really liked the Maui Jims and kept saying that even if I got them free he would give me money for them. He seems to really be worried about my financial status. 

We had a lot of fun just hanging out. He helped me clean and seemed to be really impressed with how prepared I was and how much I cleaned. 

I told him the full story of the night I blacked out, I know I told him I woke up next to some guy when we were dating, but I never told him the full story and he thought it was funny. I kept telling him he needs to tell her, but that I wouldn't tell her. I don't think he will.

But he kept hugging me really tight which was nice. He offered to help me move. I hope he stays in Charlotte... I haven't talked to him since though. I probably won't hear from him for a week. I can only hope... 

I'm in Charlotte!

So yesterday I wore my boots and everything to Charlotte. He didn't realize I was making him dinner and he felt horrible because I got upset.

So I get to Charlotte, get unpacked and decide to go out somewhere. I decide to go to the mall he took me to awhile ago.... and go lost on the other side (the bad side of town) which is where I was when he was ready to hang out. So he gave me directions back to the mall, where I met him, in my boots. I was going to look for a matching let of lingerie because I have none, and I'd like to start wearing matching sets, when I wear nice stuff. I told him and he told me he would help me look, which I was surprised about.

So I found a really cute set at Express, and by this point the mall was about to close so we left. I thanked him for helping me pick out lingerie that he would never see and he kinda laughed and said ur welcome.

So we went up to my hotel to watch Wall-e and decided to eat my food tomorrow (probably not going to happen).

So I ask him if he wants to see the other pics, and reluctantly, he agrees. So he just sits there and looks at them.

I eat my lean cuisine while he's looking in deep concentration, lost in the picture. When I'm done I ask if he wants me to put on the lingerie, and he says yes. So I sit down on the bed, and talk to him, and ask him if he wants to, if he really wants to, if he has thought this through, if he thought about it knowing I was coming down this weekend, and if he had already decided to then. He said he knew he shouldn't come up to my hotel room because he knew he couldn't resist me. He mentioned that he had never cheated before (he mentioned Sarah but I assured him that that was not cheating, they hadn't said they were exclusive). And I could see it in his eyes he was thinking hard (pun intended) about this- probably not the right time to discuss this with him.

He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me, he didn't think it would last long. I told him it was fine. I said that he didn't want it to end the same as last time, I explained that last time we were just friends, then he began acting as though we were more, and I let my feelings come out. As long as he only says what he wants, as long as he doesn't say he's still in love with me when he really isn't, I will be fine. I told him I still had feelings for him, that I hoped for a future, but if it happened, I didn't expect it to happen anywhere anytime soon. 

While thinking he was already touching me, and I said ur already cheating and he stopped. But I reminded him of the texts and the pics and said that he already had. 

So then he leaned over and kiss me. Took my lingerie off, and we went at it just like usually. 

A few min in he said he had to stop, he felt horrible. He was really freaking out. I got dressed and told him it was ok and hugged him. He kept worrying about me and I kept telling him I was worried about him, would he be ok.

I also told him not to rule me out as a future something, that if he and her are together forever, that's great, but if not, to consider me. He said he would.... but I dunno if he just didn't want me to get upset. I can understand if he doesn't have feelings for me, esp while having a gf, and esp because of all my breakdowns last fall, that I still don't have myself straightened out, but I hope he really does consider it. 

He was bigger than I remembered, and I'm not just talking about down there, but his body, he's taller and has more muscle. 

From the beginning he said he wouldn't tell her. I kept saying a girl always knows, but I wouldn't tell her. It may have just been last night, but he was really freaking out. I tried to get him to stay, because I was worried about him, but he wouldn't, but we talked for a min and I explained that he shouldn't live in a relationship full of lies. 

Today I will tell him the hardest thing I ever did was to tell him about the night, right after we started dating, when I blacked out for the first time, and woke up laying on a mattress with some other guy. I was fully dressed, belt buckle and all (which are hard to put together sober), so I knew nothing happened. But I was glad I got it out there, no matter what he wouldn't have done, bc I knew it had to be out there. He no longer trusted me to stay the night at Brett and Travis's, understandable, but we stayed together.

However, I didn't cheat.... he did. 

I also told him about me, Pete and Ryan. I was with Pete a month (not nearly as long as them), but Pete had fallen in love with me. I had been in love with Ryan, and thought I was over him when I dated Pete. At the end of a month, I began talking to Ryan as friends, and realized I still had strong feelings for him, feelings I would never develop for Pete just because of who we both were, we weren't right for each other. So I told broke up with Pete, told him it just wouldn't work out, but left Ryan out of it. Pete did find out about Ryan, and didn't believe me when I said I did have feelings for him, esp in the beginning, dating him had nothing to do with getting over Ryan, but once I realized I still had feelings for Ryan, I no longer felt it fair to Pete for me to continue dating him. Honestly, I may have waited a week just to see if it was just a fling, but Ryan was coming into town and 2 days after I broke up with Pete, I was physically with Ryan. But if I really did want to be with Pete, wouldn't I have either cheated, or broken up with him, been with Ryan, and then gotten back with Pete? Pete was emo by the way, kinda annoying, and def not my type. 

I'm also going to suggest he talks to a good friend about it, maybe someone who doesn't know her, or someone who does who will know how she would react, and see what they say he should do, someone not in the situation. I doubt he will, he's a very personal guy. 

Anyway, so then I read a blog about a girl who has a similar (but much longer) background with her ex, and it began with his dieing, and how she was depressed and was just going places, like his funeral and everything, without really thinking about it.

It had all been a dream, but it really freaked me out to the point that I tried to get him to meet me. He wouldn't and then he called me trying to figure out what was wrong. He finally gave up, and 10 min later I texted him and he told me that it was just a dream, don't base my feelings on it. Which was the last thing he said. I kept explaining what was going on, and finally I got him to send me a blank text just to tell me he was ok. 

I finally calmed down and went to bed. 

The bed still smells like him and me. I don't want to get up... 

Things are better

So I had another breakdown, that actually lasted a few days, but just one day was full against Sam. I ended up going to the doctor for chest pains (I irritated something in my chest wall) and he gave me Xanax, which didn't work, and then he gave me Valium, 10 mg. Most people get 2 or 5 mg. I have 10! OMG! Anyway, so if I'm just irritated and out in public I take Xanax. But if I'm having a full on attack, like I was one day, Xanax does nothing... I'll try Valium. 

Anyway, so I haven't hardly talked to him since. He hasn't seemed like he wanted to talk to me over the past week or 2, and I've been trying to figure out what happened. I thought it was actually because I had mentioned several times that I wanted to get back with him. 

So I finally talk to him about it tonight, because I really didn't want it to be uncomfortable tomorrow. So I asked him what was going on, and I found out it's just my freak outs that's bothering him, that it's not that I keep saying I want to be back with you (which I will cool off on as well).

So everything is ok. He said he really likes talking to me. I told him that theres no way to say that I won't ever have another breakdown, but now that I have xanax and valium, and I'm trying to make an appointment with my psychiatrist in a few weeks to treat my depression and get on something permanent for anxiety. And I really think it will help!

I just feel like this is a really important trip:

1. I'm cooking for Sam: tuna casserole which is even better warmed up, and sex in a pan, which is really good. And we're watching Wall-e together- all in my hotel room!!!!! 

2. I'm hanging out with Travis Chilcot, one of my good friends from school who lives in Charlotte. So I'm reconnecting with old friends and am working on making connections here. 

3. I'm beginning my hunt for my Charlotte apartment. I know Sam won't help me much with this, but I am going to ask if he will at least give me more ideas, maybe drive me around for a little bit, just so that I can orient myself to the area. 

Another Meltdown

So I had a pretty bad meltdown yesturday while talking to Sam. I felt it coming, but still texted him. I know what caused it, my mom had me try a new method of b12 absorption. It didn't work.
But he stuck by me. When I get like that, all I want is answers. And when he gives me half answers it frustrated me even further. So I think he finally realized it, we talked it out, and I was ok.
I finally sent him an email explaing the b12, that I'm trying one more thing and ill warn him, and what he can do to help me. I ended with the fact that I still wanted to be with him, but I know he has a gf and won't sabatoge their relationship.
He has agreed to come to my hotel room to have tuna casserole, and he wants to watch walle.
But esp at the end of my meltdown he kept saying how he still wants to be my friend. And how he is holding his tongue bc he wants to be my friend. I also told him I really appreciated it.
I think my meltdown has to do with my near lunch thing with jeremy. He had to work so he cancelled. He isn't what I'm looking for at all. He's young and is having fun, but I'm over that phase and want someone who is too. Which Sam is.

So screwed

So Taisha (a girl I work with at Target) and I went to play pool last night, got bored and went to city limits. So I walk upstairs and I see Billy, I give him a hug, turn the corner see Tab, and give her a hug, turn around and see... Jeremy Way. 

So first of all, as you can guess by the name, Taisha is black. And City Limits is a country bar. I told her about it and she was apprehensive about going, bc she didn't want to cause trouble and was afraid there would be race issues. I told her I had never seen anything, that there are other black people, who are regulars, and I got her to go. And she loved it, all of my friends walked up to her and introduced themselves. And Jeremy actually turned around and had a conversation with him. I told her after I was a little nervous as well, that I had seen black people, and had danced with them, but had never hung out with them the entire night. 

So, last night with Jeremy- we started talking and turns out he has Crohn's. I dunno if his flairs have been as bad as mine, but he has only had 2. He has been rushed to the hospital about it because of anemia and has to have IV iron. So we kinda chilled together all night, stood or sat beside each other and joked around. He tried to get me to dance with him, but I was too tired, I danced a few times, but I'd get tired within a few songs. 

Oh, and he threw his cigarettes and then took me out to his car and crushed his other pack in front of me. But he will probably just buy more. 

Oh, and he asked me to go to lunch with him.

And he has a gf, but he's listed as complciated

So I just told my best friend about this who is how I know Tabby and Billy and Jeremy. And she doesn't like it bc he has a gf, she doesn't think I should go to lunch with him. But she also considers dancing cheating, and I don't agree. What happens in the corner and at the after party is cheating. And I think holding hands is cheating, holding hands to me means that you have feelings for them. But she said that she would forget what I told her. 

She also said he doesn't treat gfs right at all. The only thing he mentioned was that he got mad at her for helping another guy with his truck. So this is kind of hypocritical, but it's just lunch, and if he wants to cause drama with his gf, I'm staying out of it. 

boy update:

Sam- just friends. We talked a little today. He is def helping me out when I go to Charlotte, but he sounds like he will be busy. We are just at the same point in our lives. Just starting out on our own, not really into partying, but ready to settle down to a certain extent. I still want to invite him over to watch Wall-e, but I am fine with jsut watching Wall-e, I just want to be with him.

Bryan- he's a partier. He goes bar hopping a lot. I'm not sure what he does now, but he wants to do something with stock options. And he's a talker. At least through facebook messages. 

Jeremy- I can't even believe I'm mentioning him in my updates. He flirted with me at bowling today. Brittani and I were looking at girl stuff on her comp- wedding dresses, taylor swift and juliane hough music videos, and dancing with the stars, and he kept coming over while she bowled. He also tried to trip me, and I just stepped over him which he made fun of me for. It's just little hs flirting. I'm only mentioning him bc, while he has a gf, I need to get laid and I have a tendency of drunkenly hooking up with young (2-3 years younger) guys who I just find attractive. And he's a friend of Brittani's, who is turning 21 in a week and a day. I don't think they are good enough friends for that, esp bc he has a gf, and his gf's bff is Brittani's other bff who will be there, and Brittani will be there and she already thinks I'm a slut for trying to sleep with Sam, who I have feelings for. I just want to fuck Jeremy. 

I think I have a thing for wanting what I can't have... 2 of these guys have gf's. And I am completely guy obsessed! 

Just friends!

So I've started to summarize our convo this afternoon, but it's short and easier to write it out:

Me: I just wantedto say it did mean a lot that u apologized for last fall. We both messed up and I've very sorry as well.

Sam: Well I know I did I'm sorry.

Me: R u really thinking about getting that truck?

Sam: Yes ma'am! Soon as I get the money! 

Me: With the lift and everything? 

Sam: Oh yeah, four door. I want a big one.

Me: That's manlier than chest hair (he has no chest hair except for 1 or 2 literally and is very insecure about it, but I hate chest hair).

Sam: Haha I know I can't grow chest hair. Lol that's the funniest joke you've told me. 

Me: I hate chest hair, but I know u don't. I'm just trying to make u feel better. Chest hair is dirty and gross, and u keep ur cars clean.

Sam: Haha I know. I'm at the gym you can text me later if you want.

Me: I'm getting my nails done, and I'm getting drinks with someone tonight. She didn't see the pic did she?

Sam: Nah, well have fun. Be safe tonight! 

So I lied about the drinks... I'm too tired even if I had someone to have drinks with. 

But he is getting the truck.

And I told him I'm moving to Charlotte earlier, hopefully over the summer! 

I'm at work at Target and have become obsessed with a guest. He has come in a few times, including today... Sick. I was actually telling Taisha about him 5 min before, and then there he was, on my way out for my lunch break. So of course I helped him.
Anyway, his name is Bryan and he is amazingly hot! And quiet, and he seems sweet. But on my way out I told him I hoped he felt better. My crazy bitch side came out, and of course I discovered he has a fbook. Friend him?
Otherwise Sam and I r just friends, and he said he couldn't do anything, but hed def meet up with me in charlotte!

I have no social life!

So I "go out" once, maybe twice a week. The maybe is when my friend doesn't have to work and we go to a bar called City Limits... not nice at all, you fit in wearing flip flops, jeans and a beater. But I feel comfortable there and I like the atmosphere. My only other time I go out is on Thursdays when I go watch my best friend bowl. But I work 7 days a week, I go to work, come home, cook, clean, watch tv, go to bed. When most people hang out with friends it's on their days off, or the night before a day off... I don't get those enough to maintain a new friendship. 

So, 2 things:

1. There is this cute guy that is on Brittani's team... one problem... he's 19. But he's still good to look at. But since it is my one day that I get to get out I dress up a little. I wear my knee high boots and low cut shirt and everything. But last time the temp dropped significantly, something I didn't realize, and we were sitting right in front of the door. So he ran outside to get his coat for me. We had one conversation that consisted of "you look bored" "yup." So that was nice of him. I really need to get some... by a guy my age... a good guy... that I am in a relationship with... so I can stop lusting over 19 year olds. 

2. I have decided to move to Charlotte no matter what. I have no life here, I need to start over. I'm moving when my lease is up in December. I'll transfer to a Target in Charlotte. And I already have friends in Charlotte. Not only Sam, but also some friends from college. I just need to get through the next 9 months. 

He apologized!

So Sam and I started talking today about how much we wanted to be with each other, how I would probably say yes if he asked to come over at midnight again, but how much it sucked that he couldn't do anything. So then I told him I didn't want the same thing to happen again as last time, and then he voluntarily apologized for messing me up, that he knew I was going through a really tough time. I was going to make him anyway, but he did voluntarily! 

So then we did our full blown sex texts for a long time. This is how I got him last time... sex, then he wanted me. 

I'm starting to debate whether or not to let him cheat on his gf. On the one hand, if he can cheat once, he may again. On the other, he did tell me that I was the best he's ever had, while I was not saying anything close to this to him, and this is why he would cheat.

And if he has great sex with me, as many times as he wants, and then has fun with me, he would get the whole package, and may fall for me again...

Either way, I just sent him a sexy pic... 

Manners

So recently I have become obsessed with manners, in my quest to become the perfect little housewife for Sam. I actually rented this great little book on manners by Kate Spade. It has adorable little pictures and I am marking things I want to photocopy to compile. 

It doesn't irritate me when other people don't have manners (save for the leg spreading crotch scratch, and other similar extreme situations), but it bothers me when I think about a situation I was just in, and I have horrible manners. 

For instance, tonight, I see this girl who's bf I had a crush on in high school. I see him a few minutes later (attached to her at the hip for the rest of the night) from across the bar. At the end of the night (at least for me) I decide to walk up to them and say hey. I say hey to him (who doesn't recognize me, I was about 50 pounds at about 5' the last time we had a lengthy conversation, and that is no exaggeration) and I also said hey to his gf (who I knew but had never had a real conversation with, despite attending the same school for at least 4 years) and their male friend. 

But my manners were horrible! I spoke with him for a minute, and the whole time was trying to walk away! And he continued to ask me question after question about myself, but I did not ask him a single question about himself. His gf was very intimidating, I don't think she liked me talking to him, but he is a nice guy and he was very nice to me, gf be damned. 

But I never asked him a single question about what he is doing now, how his school was (Harvard!), not a single question.

And, although I am getting better, I have always been like this. I have never thought of myself as self-centered, I always worry about other people. But I don't know how to express my worry, or I don't realize its something to worry about until after they have told me the situation and I have walked away from them with an "o, I'm sorry." I have never been the one to ask the what are you up to, what is that like, questions about the other person.

Hopefully I will learn! And soon! I want to become the perfect little housewife! I really do! I want to be a Lilly Pulitzer wearing, Sunday brunch hosting, Meatloaf producing, oversized SUV driving, little housewife. 

I guess I need to improve my social skills first! Such as my inability to hang out with a group of only girls for more than 5 minutes without wanting to pull my hair out! 

Disappearance

So I haven't talked to Sam much since I saw him. 

He texted me when I got home and we talked for a bit. I asked if he was going to come see a country concert with me and he said def maybe. Then he started with sexual stuff and I said I missed a few things, and nothing.

Then today I told him I bought a tv (my first great tv, 37' hdtv) and he said nice what kind. And that was it. 

I guess I won't text him for a few days. 

And we shall see! 

He's changed!

So, I just got back from Charlotte to go to IKEA (and to see Sam) and it was great! 

So I got there at about 11 last night and immediately passed out. When I told him I was getting a hotel he was like I'm not gonna do anything and I told him that was fine, that I had gotten one because we were starting out so early in the morning. Well when I got to the hotel I asked if he wanted to just watch tv (it would have been nice to fall asleep in his arms again) but his bro had something all day today and he was going back to school sunday, so he wanted to spend time with his bro. 

Then at 1230 I got this:

Sam: you still up

...the hotel I'm staying in...

Sam: I should have come and seen you. I'm sorry

Me: Its ok, I wouldn't have wanted something to happen

Sam: Yeah, well I kinda want to now. Your not mad are you

Me: No. Let me keep thinking ur a good guy

Sam: Ok well we will get some breakfast tomorrow. :) I will pick you up around 8

Me: ok. U could come earlier if you wanted. Lemme know

Sam: Ok I'll try. I'll text you if I get up earlier

So I was half asleep during this, but doesn't that seem as though if I had invited him just then he would have cheated? 

We had breakfast and he was really sweet, he put his arm around me, kept touching me knee. Paid for it. 

Then during IKEA he stayed with me, didn't complain, and then once we got to the decor where it was crowded he waited semi patiently (he moved and I couldn't find him) until I was done. We had a lot of fun, it was nice.

When we were saying good bye and giving me a hug he grabbed my ass, but only kissed me on the cheek. 

And in the beginning of us being friends last fall everytime we left, it felt like it was a strained niceness on both our parts. But this time it didn't. Maybe because I didn't have sex with him because that's when it usually falls apart. I'll have to use this to my advantage. He goes shopping with me... I have sex with him. 

And he wants me to come down again the next time hes in Charlotte, which will probably be for Easter. I need to anyway for more IKEA! 

He's changed though- for the good:

He paid for breakfast

He drove

He kept asking how I am, questions about me

He didn't hurry my slow eating

He let me leave my purse with him, on my boxes, but he had it in his possession without me in site. There was a time when I couldn't sit it beside him while I was in the dressing room.

He restrained himself- somewhat

He tried to look nice for this- he cut his hair and shaved

He said he's going to get the truck I like- 4-door with a lift. 

And he even looked at a really cute kid, and commented on another- and didn't say anything when I made comments about both. 

My mother's opinion

So tomorrow is the big day, and I really do think that Sam would cheat on his gf with me. I keep teasing him saying we could always get a hotel, and then taking it back. I know he misses me sexually, we'll just see how much! 

But I just stopped by and talked to my mom and she asked if I had talk to Sam recently. So I told her that I was meeting him down there. She said to tell him that she really liked him now that she got to know him. And also that if we started dating again I would probably move to Charlotte (well, duh!). But that's on her mind! 

Well she did forsee us being friends again after last fall, so maybe she'll forsee us dating again? 

So maybe he was in love with me?

So I decided to reread my lj from the past 4 years, with a few entries that recap last fall. And I think he was in love with me, for a very short period of time. But he still developed strong feelings for me for a short period of time! 

The reason I think this is because he did say it. He said it during sex, but since he was already getting sex, why else would he have to say it? So the rest of the weekend it really could have been my imagination, but I felt closer to him. Or it could have been that I was holding myself back, and I finally let myself get closer. 

But the thing that I read that convinced me was what he told me before I drove home. He told me to text him when I got home. And I did and we texted for a bit, but then he disappeared for a week once he got back to school. (He told me this when I visited him during fall break. And he went back the next day, so something happened when he got back).

But I really do think he developed real, strong feelings for me for a period of time! 

So maybe he can again! After a period of time. And if there wasn't another girl.

Imagine if I was the only sex he was getting, when he is in Charlotte, and we are talking about me moving down there. We shall see!!!! 

Damsel in distress

I may just be vulnerable, but I really do need Sam. 

So I'm not sure if I've described in full why I really do need someone to help me when I go to IKEA. I had a very minor surgery today, so minor I drove myself home. Basically I inherited my father's skin. I have a lot of moles. I began seeing a dermatologist about them over the summer and she immediately took 3 for biopsy, and 2 more later. So far 2 have come back as pre cancerous, and 1 re-pigmented, which means I have had 3 minor surgeries to get more tissue removed. I had my third today. I can do everything I set my mind to, except doing anything that may stretch that area of my body (my stomach) (this means no crazy wild sex, no exercise, no bull riding, and no lifting). 

So, when I go to IKEA, someone will be needed to put some things in my car (honestly I wouldn't be able to list some things at my best). This is where Sam comes in. I will play the damsel in distress and make him feel all manly. Because every guy wants to feel manly (especially him, he's kinda short (a little taller than me, the height I really do like), and he has no hair on his chest (I love it, he has a very strong chest too). 

Anyway, so I have been thinking a lot lately about why I want him back. I mean he broke up with me the first time 2 days before I began student teaching. He told me he was going to make love to me in his car up at the Jackson county airport that overlooks WCU (very romantic, esp for him). He tried to have sex with me before we went to Zaxby's but I refused (explaining this would be way TMI). When I got in there was a towel in the front seat, he told me he didn't remember why it was there, he and his butt buddy had been drunk driving too much recently. In his defense his butt buddy drove drunk that night. I had lost 2 friends to a drunk driver, they were driving home one night and were rear ended and run off the road by a drunk driver who left them for dead thinking they would be ok in a car wrapped around a tree and towed away in 3 pieces. He knew this, I had a photo of them hanging over my bed, my guardian angels. Just over the past year have I finally been able to pack away all of their stuff. He knew all this. He still did it, he still made a joke about it, he still thought I overreacted when I sat in silence to cool off, and then screamed at him when he persisted. When we got home he broke up with me. That began a series of bad events, none of which either of us could have foreseen.

Then, he told me he was still in love with me, while he was in a pseudo relationship with another crazy spoiled bitch girl. He took it back, a week later, plenty of time for me to let myself finally fall in love with him. I demanded he break up with her. He told me he would, twice, told me he was afraid he lost me, didn't want to lose me, never broke it off with her for a month. I finally gave up, and told her, then her best friend. She broke up with him for cheating (they were not in a relationship according to facebook, they were not in a real relationship, it was not cheating! you want to be exclusive, you demand a title). He told me he would come down to make everything ok, I just had to apologize to her and her friends (I was a bit of a bitch, esp in the message to her friends). Didn't hear from him for 2 days. Then when I was expecting him, while I was at work, I finally got ahold of him, he called me a dumb bitch and hung up. 

To get back at him the second time i did sent numerous texts to him telling he had a tiny stinky dick and he wasn't the best I'd ever had (not the entire truth, I have sense told him the entire truth, that he doesn't have as much experience as someone else, but that he knows the details of what I like better than the other guy). 

Well, after everything he has done to me, when things are good, I think of everything he does for me. 

My explanations:

The first time, I had just moved an hour away (still should have been able to make it), but we had begun fighting. 

The second time, I had gone crazy. He shouldn't have done what he did, but I did over react a little, not much. I was under a lot of stress, and he doesn't know that I don't deal well with my own stress, that's why I worry about other people more than myself. And i had no outlet.

Things that need to change to make it good again: 

Distance is number 1. He is way to physical to do a long distance relationship. Although he has said that if he got sex with me it would be worth the distance from Charlotte to Raleigh. He has a job offer in Charlotte, a great job offer. And I love Charlotte, I would be more than willing to move there once my lease is up here. 

Money is another. I know how this sounds. Basically, when we were together we never went out, anywhere. And when we went to fast food he wouldn't eat anything. I have realized why, it was the money, not being frugal. He had no money when we were together, and what little he had was spent on gas, and buying his brother food when he began losing weight. But after his job over the summer he has saved up some money. And now he takes Amanda out on dates, periodically. 

The romance would have to increase, which I believe is related to money. But he thinks money is necessary. He needs to learn that you can be romantic without money, and that this is the best romance. Just a little thing from the dollar tree that makes him think of me is so much better than an expensive bracelet. Both would be even better! 

He would have to get over his insecurities, or at least a little. I love wearing heels. When I do I am almost his height. I won't wear them daily, I will do my best to keep them short. But every time I did in the past he gave me hell. I bitched at him about it recently, like since last fall, and he didn't know what I was talking about. Maybe he realized how much it hurt me. 

There is more, that I can't think of. But no one is perfect. 

He has to be able to talk things out. You can't solve problems without talking it out. And it is ok to fight. His parents fought all the time and his mom has been in and out of the house. He needs to realize that couples do fight, and a periodic fight is ok. 

His attire will have to change. It's great, for his age. But it will have to change. 

I feel as though we really are perfect for each other:

When we are physically together, everything is perfect. The entire world is ok. Nothing bad can happen. Anything that does happen I can overcome. He has said the same.

We have the same goals in life. A comfortable life. The stereotypical American dream. 

We have the same taste. We both like quality, pretty much no matter the cost. We like the same houses. 

We get along when we are together. We have only fought (except for once after fighting for 2 weeks) when we were apart. 

I'm blonde!!!!!!

So despite the snow on the roads, I still drove out at 930am for my 10am hair apointment. And now I'm blonde!!!!! It's lighter than I wanted and it looks weird, but it may just be that I'm not used to it!!! 

Anyway, so I got up this morning at 4am and looked at my phone. Sam had texted me at midnight asking if I still needed help. So I talked to him all morning. He's still going to help me (all night I was thinking I would get a text saying sorry, can't help you), and it's going to be in the 70s, so I'll wear my top dress. He also said he really wants to see my hair. He doesn't like to make people feel bad, he always told me I looked beautiful, esp on days when I was just grunging it. But he has said something about liking blonde hair. And when I told him I was doing it he told me he liked my hair the way it was. It's not like he'll only date blondes (Amanda has dark brown hair) but I know he prefers blondes. 

And I love being blonde. One of our regular redneck guests who is really nice flirted with me today. And the pharmacist definitely pointed this out a few hours later. And then this hot oldish (in his 30s, maybe 40s, but def beyond what I'm looking for) flirted with me a little. 

But as far as my beer thing with Branden, he told me he knew of some bars, asked where I was, I told him, and he never replied. Haven't heard from him since. 

Anyway, I hope things change between Sam and I. I hope that he will break up with Amanda soon. I know what our issue was. It was distance. He will more than likely be stay in Charlotte, even after his family moves. But after my lease runs out, I would love to move, and Charlotte is def in my list of places I want to move to, with or without Sam. (Although if Sam and I are "not on speaking terms" when I move, I don't want to go to Charlotte. But before I met Sam, I wanted to move to Charlotte.) 

here's what I was trying to say last night

Basically, I miss sex with Sam. And my feelings have dissipated (while still there) to where they were last fall when we first started back. When I was ok without a relationship, and with him being with Sarah, with just sex. With just a sexual relationship. 

Plus: I know he developed feelings for me last time. The only way he'll see me is if I have sex with him. He won't drive down to Raleigh just to see me, he doesn't have feelings for me so he has no reason to. But if he spends time with me, and I give him what he wants, and he realizes I can give him everything he wants, I'll get him back.

Minus: He does have a gf. I'm afraid he will cheat, and I will want him so bad that I will be ok with it. There is that phrase, once a cheater, always a cheater. But if I am the best he's ever had, why would he ever need to cheat on me. He may or may not cheat on his current gf to get the best sex he's ever had again. But who knows if he will even cheat.

I'd even be willing to move to Charlotte once my lease is up, and by that point I would have good standing with Target. I have been told that I am doing so well that I could do anything with Target, so I may be able to get any job. And Sam would probably be willing to help me out, if I give him sex, which I would love to. I love Charlotte, and that's where his job is. 

Only time will tell!

But for tonight, I'm getting drinks with this guy who I went to hs with. What should I wear!!!!! All my cute/casual shirts can't be worn when it's below 60 degrees outside! :-(

Realization

I came to realize something. The way it started last time, the way I got him to fall for me last time. 

It started as just friends with benefits. No feelings. And then he began to develop feelings. Everything feelings wise was at his pase. 

My feelings for him are beginning to dissipate, but I need to get laid. I may talk to him when I see him in Charlotte.

I don't think he would cheat, but he really wants sex from me.

Anyway, I got a prescription headache med today to take 1 time daily and I'm starting to develop a headache and I can't take anything bc of it. And I know I am making no sense at this point. 

Signs, signs everywhere...

So first of all, I got the sweetest pick up line today. I wore my amazing dress, and of course guys just stared at me all day, but it is to be expected in this dress. Then this Indian guy came in, and he was nice, but not interested. Well he came back and he asked if I was from Greece and I took it seriously. He said well I thought most goddesses were from Greece. So he tried to get my number and i told him I was getting back with my ex. But it was so sweet. 

Anyway, so I have been seeing the name Sam everywhere. Everywhere!!!! I mean just now I was looking for churches in my area (I might begin attending again!) and I found a study group for singles my age. And then I looked at the name of the group, its called SAM- Singles Adult Ministries. Seriously? In Raleigh? 

Basically I attended in elem school, then got sick and my mom stopped making me go. Well he dragged me when we were together a few times (he isn't one of those no sex till marriage (obviously), no drinking Christians, but it is a big part of his life. He actually attended a private high school in his Church). And now I'm thinking about attending. And it's called SAM! Seriously! 

Anyway, I talked to him today. I have to get another surgery for my moles, and I made an appointment a few days before I got to Charlotte, so I won't be able to load my car. So I asked him if he was going to help me with my car. And he said yeah, sure, I'm sorry about what happened again. Then we talked and he seemed kind of disinterested, but I wrote it off. The again was bothering me all day. So at 8pm I asked if I could ask him a question, ask what the again meant, but he didn't answer. So I'm not going to ask him and just hope it doesn't mean what I think it meant.

I thought he meant about being bitchy Fri night. Now I'm not sure, I think it may have been because he made me think he still had feelings for me.

But he asked me later when I was coming down, so it at least means hes thinking about it. We shall see!!!! 

old pro/con list

So I went back and reread all the Sam posts, all the way back from when we first met. I remembered that last fall when we had started to get back together I had made a pro/con list. Here it is with some additions:

Pros: It feels right- have you ever had this feeling just because you were with someone- everything in the world was right, nothing could go wrong, you could take on and fix anything that happened. That's the way I feel when I'm with him. We have the same long term goals- we both want the whole 2.5 kids (except he wants 4 boys because I am supposed to control this) white picket fence (when I told him this he took it literally) and golden retriever (well, lab). We would be comfortable- basically financially, it won't be a 26 room mansion, but it would be a nice house. He loves to cuddle- he does, and we fit perfectly together. He has a great body- he isn't fat, he wouldn't win Mr. America, but he is def better than most others. And he's just taller than me, I like being able to look in other peoples eyes. He worries about me- he's constantly asking how I am. Last time we talked I had lost my appetite, and at a little over 100 pounds I can't afford that. So last week he actually asked how I was eating. He used to mostly care about getting me off- it's about me, but it's more about him sometimes. It used to always be me first, then this past fall he would roll over, go at it, and that be it. Based on recent texts he just wants it to be good for me. He held and kissed me in front of his friends- When we were together he did this. Of course only one of his friends knew about me this past fall, and this was one I had never met before, and didn't know our history I don't think. His friends I don't think liked me much. Very horny- just like me! 

Cons: He never treated me like I was special- I always just felt like another girl, never bought me presents, never took me out, but never had any money. I never woke up with him looking at me- I've always wanted this, just to feel beautiful bc he just wanted to look at me. I did catch him just looking at me the weekend he told me he was still in love with me, i liked that. He never watched the movies he said he would- He told me he would watch Sweet Home Alabama, one of my fav movies. It was on tv for an entire weekend, and he told me he was excited (or he said if your excited I'm excited) but he never came to watch it with me. he only did anything really special once- the day he asked me out he took me to dinner in asheville, then shopping, then on the park way and asked me out. But he had no money. He took me shopping on his bday, because he said he likes shopping with me, I have a good sense of taste. And he bought me the license plate. Never done that for me! He broke up wiht me as soon as things went downhill- I keep hoping things would have been diff both times if we were in the same area. I paid for a movie I didn't want to see on my bday weekend! yeah, this is inexcusible, but at least the second time he dragged me to a movie I didnt want to see (a scary movie, I didn't want most of it, I don't like jumpy movies (quarentine)) he did pay for it. he never wanted to hang out with my friends- that will have to change. He never watned to do what I wanted to do out- he never had any money. Hopefully that will change. He used to order me around- what? I think I'm referring to a weekend he told me to go get him a beer a few times, a few hours before he kept asking if I needed water, and a night that same weekend he asked if he wanted him to bring me something when I said I was hungry. Or the time he told me to stop leaning on the banister, I was drunk and took offense. Or I could be blocking something out. He doesn't give me my independence- I think the banister thing. And he used to say I had to be a housewife. I want to be a housewife, because I like to run errands and take care of people and I like to cook and clean and all those little housewify things. But I don't want to be made to do something, that would make it not fun. He didn't ask about my spots- I had a few moles removed for biopsy and out of 5 I have had to have 2 surgeries to get more tissue removed. I inherited my fathers skin. But I hadn't had surgery yet, just biopsies and he never asked about the sudden scabs on my backa nd chest. 

I did read about how he used to treat me. How he used call me my love, this was a few days before he told me he loved me. How he used to tell me I was his priority one. All of these things that i have myself convinced will happen again once we are in the same area for a significant amount of time again. Convinced!!!!! 

Still don't know what happened...

Friday morning I talked to him momentarily. All he said to me was that he was in class, I texted him a few more times because I was bored out of my mind at work and didn't realize how much I texted him. Tomorrow I'm leaving my phone in my car, and then I'm at Target Tues, Wed and Thurs. Anyway, so I looked at Amanda's profile Friday night and saw that he went home with her for the weekend. So I decided to have some fun. 

So I sent him a text message saying I wanted him, and then another one.

Sam: I don't want to do this ok?

Me: R u ok?

Sam: Yeah, I just don't want to do this

Me: Ever

Sam: Yeah it would be better

Me: Y

Sam: Just don't, sorry

Me: don't what, I am so confused, what happened to best sex ever, buying me the license plate, talking things over in charlotte (i texted him asking if he had gotten my email (i sent him an email with a pic of me in my fav dress, it's actually my fbook pic, but I look really really good) and then no reply, so i said you are probably not replying because u think i'm mad, i'm not, i just think it would be easier to talk about it in person in charlotte. he said ok, i'm just busy in class)

Sam: no, please don't text me

So I was devastated at this point, but things started to go back up a little at this point

Me: R u afraid I'm going to tell amanda? I haven't yet have i? (This was the first time I even told him I knew he had a gf, I just told him I knew he had a gf and I knew her name, I'm not going to tell him I fbook stalk her, I really do hate fbook, it causes drama)

Sam: Please, I don't want to. I will help you move and I'll give you the plate.

Me: I just want to know what happened, I am so confused, I said I wasn't mad, we could tlak about it later, what changed?

Sam: Maybe later, I not good right now (Yeah, thats what he said)

Me: Will u tlak to me later? or is this like the time u got me to message sarah and then didn't show up (long story)

Sam: I need some time to think

Me: will u tell me whats going on later? be honest please

Sam: Yeah, later

Me: I'm sending u an email, i assume u will be busy all weekend, but just read it whenever u can, have a good weekend, I hope she makes u happy.

basically the email said i want you back, i know it won't happen for awhile, i'm sure u have real feelins for her and iwll while you two are still together, i'm not asking you to break up with her, i have nothing against her, as far as i know she's not a crazy bitch like sarah was, i explained my meltdowns, that i'm back on B12 and am looking into B12 shots. I told him that we don't know the future, that a lot would have to change such as distance, he asked if i would be ok with having sex with him whenever he wanted if i took care of him, I said i didn't know the diff between this and a relationship, that for now i won't have sex with him, but i would like to continue texting him some and I ended with telling him everthing i liked about him. 

So I sent my guy friend from college all of this (bless him for listening to me) and he said that of course it's impossible to know what is really going on with him. But he thinks he just doesn't know what he wants right now. He also thinks that I am much hotter than his gf. 

I'm giving it a few days, no texting him. Then I'll send him another e-mail. With my blackberry I can't type very much and i can't express myself very well. So I like e-mails. 

But there are a few things I noticed:

1. Bad- he knows me, knows I'm hard headed. Knew that I wouldn't give up until he gave me something to go on, that he would talk to me later.

2. Good- he went from don't text me to I need to think about it and I'll talk to you later after I told him I already knew about Amanda. 

3. Good- he texted me a lot, but then when he is with Amanda he says he can't text me- understandable.

4. Good- I looked at pics of her trip home, there is one pic of them together, they are sitting in sep law chairs with her family (who is rather large, nothing against large people, but i know he likes my itty bitty body) 

I can eat sugar!

In 6th grade I was diagnosed with Crohn's. In 7th grade my mom and I realized that sugar was the main thing that set it off. Both cane sugar and nutrasweet type things. 

Before this I would eat and unnatural amount of sugar, I would have the normal amount of desserts, but everytime my mom had her back turned I would steal a handful and hide it. I would also go to my neighbors house, until they had a child, and get candy. 

When I realized that it was sugar I was devastated. Sugar is like cigarettes to a smoker, alcohol to an alcoholic. Once I start eating it again, and I start to get really sick, it takes all my will power to stop again to make myself healthy.

I love baking. For the few years after my surgery in 8th grade I was able to eat normal amounts of dessert again. And I was a great baker, but then when I started to get sick again in college, I had to stop again. Everytime I had a little, I won't go into details. But if I got hooked for as little as a week I would end up in pain. After a few months of constant sugar intake I ended up in the hospital.

Then I began seeing recipes for something called truvia. It is natural and not processed. I decided to do research... and it is safe for IBS! IBS being something similar to Crohn's, but not nearly as serious. Many things that cause IBS symptoms can also cause Crohn's. 

I may be able to bake again! 

I'm so happy I'm almost crying :-D 

This is for realz! (I feel like I'm 16)

So I texted Sam all day when I was on breaks. This morning I didn't reply to a very sexual text he sent me. Then I went to work. I went to lunch and found 2 texts from him asking what I was doing. And my break after lunch I found have a good day at work, text me anytime. So I did. I just got off work and told him I was so excited to get off work (10th day working in a row, hopefully a day off Sunday!) and he just texted me that he bought me something. He has never bought me something just bc. Never! He spent $60 on me for christmas when we were together. He got me a tag for my car that says WCU! I'm almost in tears, I can't believe he did that! OMG! And it's not something sexual, that's what I'm most excited about. But it's Cullowhee, I don't think you can buy anything sexual in Cullowhee. I don't think u can within an hour.

Anyway, hehe! 

Well...

So I turned my ringer off of my phone last night bc I had a migraine and I texted Sam a few more times after that. So I didn't notice that while I was writing that blog, he texted me:

Sam: I'm sorry I stopped talking last night, I was feeling sick. I want you so bad girl, hope you feel better tomorrow. (I stopped texted at 8 when I got a migraine and just wasn't feeling it. He texted me at 9 asking what happened and I told him I didn't feel good. I didn't want him to worry so I didn't tell him the whole truth because he knows my health. I just told him a headache, but a headache for me means more than that).

Sam: I keep looking at your txt. I want you so bad. I wish I was next to you, holding you, feeling your hot body against mind. I want all of you, Ryann.

Me: R u ok? I want u to hold me so much, I just don't want the same thing to happen again.

Sam: Yeh im ok, I want you Ryann I wish I was there to hold you and please your body.

Sam: I don't want it to be like last time either

Me: I'm not going to make u do something u don't want, but I don't want to get hurt again. I can't do just physical with u. And I don't exactly want a relationship (I just want exclusiveness, sorta, I don't care if he makes out with other girls, its more not sex with other girls, and no emotions- sleeping with other girls (he likes to cuddle to), things like that. And of course breaking up with the gf he doesn't know I know about. And I don't want to seem like the crazy bitch that I am, so I will do what I can to keep that to myself.)

Sam: Ok well like i have said, I will be in Charlotte over the smmer and next fall, maybe even Raleigh (he has a job in Charlotte where he did his internship (he is an electrical engineering major), or he's thinking about grad school at NC State, in Raleigh. I just know that Charlotte is 2.5 hours away and 1 hour was too far when we were actually together a year ago. I don't want him to be unhappy. I love Charlotte, but I can't move. I have a lease in an amazing apartment that is market valued $150 more than what I'm paying, and I have a lease in it until Dec, that would be really expensive to break. And I'm about to go full time at Target, which is really hard to do.)

Me: RTP is right here. But u have a job in Charlotte. I justk now even 1 hour was to much for u, I don't want u to be unhappy.

Sam: If I get u and great sex, then it would not be far.

Me: Only time will tell. But my apartent is worth Raleigh. Ud really like it. 

And it continues, but those are the highlights. Maybe he's serious. He knows we are perfect for each other. Together we have amazing sex. We both love sex. We both have the same goals in life. We have the same taste. Everything is right when we are together, even he admits all of this, he did a week ago. But only time will tell. 

Here goes the sex talk again... I have stuff to do. 

Anoche

Does anoche mean last night? I hope so, everytime I think of last night I think anoche recently. 

Anyway, so I texted Sam yesturday to ask if he could help me at IKEA over SB, apparently he is going to the beach for SB. He said he may be able to come back early, he isn't sure. I told him about my new boots, which he seems to really like. He asked me if I had ever had sex in them (I'm telling you one track mind, which I will have to control). Anyway, so I told him I would wear them if he could help me at IKEA. So we talked from 2:30 when I got off work (and actually during my break as well) until 10pm. Generally sex related texts (I'm telling you one track mind). I also told him I made a great meatloaf the other day, he wants me to cook it for him, in only an apron. I also asked if he only wanted sex from me, he said he didn't know. I hope that really is an I dunno, and isn't a hell no, but I'm too nice, and I want sex. Time will only tell, I just have to watch myself, bc he won't watch himself, esp considering the fact that he does still have a gf, even though he doesn't know I know.

Anyway, I also hung out with Brittani last night, and told her I was texting a coworker. (I tried to tell him I had to go, but he kept asking me about those boots.) And she said that she friended Matt, her hot coworker who just broke up with his gf, or had a month ago. Anyway, so from my blackberry, while sitting in the restaurant they work in, I friended him, and then talked to him through fbook on my bb also. (I'm such a bad friend... I'm sorry brittani!) Anyway, so he wants to be a teacher (which I tried to talk him out of), he works at Brio and Friday's, and he parties at least 1 time a week. I'm kind of over it. But we shall see! 

So I work a lot

I'm back up to working 6-7 days a week. My last day off was Monday, before last. My next day off will be Sunday, unless Taji schedules me. He said he would call me and let me know. I work all day, and then text Sam, and most likely he is with the gf.

I almost had a meltdown when I looked up her profile (I am such a stalker! :-() and saw that they went on the blue ridge parkway for Vday. I dunno if they went camping like we did. But I did see that they stopped, and i think kissed, at the highest point on the parkway. Just like we did. And he drove!!!! Unless she has a big white SUV (I saw the hood in a pic) she drove. Or else he let her drive his car (he did say he would let me, but then I expressed my fear, considering the fact that I freaked out when I drove a 4runner, and his car is even bigger than that. 

Anyway, I was excited to find that I am working full time the first week in March. Unfortunately this is the same weekend I was planning on driving down to Charlotte. I have 2 days I could still go. Tuesday I get off at 230. I'd get there at about 5pm. I'd basically turn right back around. And I dunno if I will get my car back by then. Or Saturday. When it will be busy. I get off work at 230 tomorrow. I will text him and tell him I really need his help. 

I made a good meatloaf last night too! His favorite food. I'm so excited. I have begun to love cooking. I made chicken'n'dumplings tonight. They didn't turn out too good though :-(. But I was reusing chicken I meant to use last week and ended up freezing. That was the most expensive thing I bought, and I would have just thrown it out anyway, so I will try my mom's recipe that I forgot about, next time.

Anyway, enough of my rambling...

Did she really just go there?

Yes I did! I want to write a short blog about my love affair... with my birth control. I am on the Nuvaring. Just a little overview, between my horrible memory, and my inability to absorb everything I eat (I have Crohn's disease), I cannot take the pill and expect it to work. I tried depo, sucked! Now I'm on the ring! 

It is amazing! Well maybe not because I'm single, but I hope to change that soon. Anyway, the reasons I love it:

• You don't have to remember anything! Just put it in and forget about it for 3 weeks, then take it out for 1 and get your period. A simple thing to write down in your calendar. 
• You don't feel it! I think about once a week I do, less than that. It only lasts a minute after I have been siting for awhile and then stand and walk for awhile. It slides a little bit and then it slides right back up! But placement doesn't matter! 
• Normal sized guys don't feel it either. I've never had a comment about it. And it hurt me the first time I had sex with it, so I began taking it out. Then I decided to leave it in because I was reading a lot of forums and I was the only one who felt it. He got worried when I did go back and put it back in right after (because his mind was on one thing before). I didn't feel it, and he got worried. 
• It makes my boobs bigger! I am very flat chested. I don't go anywhere without a bra or big sweatshirt on. I am a small A cup, almost AA. But with it after just 2 months this time (I went off it for 1 month and my boobs shrank again to save money), my boobs are already a full, and maybe a large A! 
• I haven't noticed another other weight gain, although at 110 lb I wouldn't mind it.
• My libido has gone up. Especially in the first month I was on it, I always wanted it... and never got it (or maybe just once or twice) because I was single. 

It's easy and I love it.  And as I continue to notice larger boobs, I fall deeper and deeper in love with the ring and I wanted to share my love!

Update: I haven't talked to Sam all weekend. I may not be texting him much, too busy. Give him a chance to see that I am fine and stable and busy! And I'm working 2 jobs, 7 days a week, so I really am busy. Can't wait to see him! I've started an ab workout to give myself hot abs, that I will have him touch. And my bigger boobs!!!! I better find a good boob shirt! 

Dresses being called tops?

Why are dresses being called tops now? I bought this amazing top today from forever 21 and it's called a top on the website. So I get excited to wear it with my new hot jeans $100 jeans that I got for $45 from plato's closet. I go into the dressing room and the thing goes well below my butt. I know that it is not the style to wear belly shirts anymore, but shouldn't shirts stop above or at the butt? Or maybe that is just me. I thought tunics were long tops. So confused! Just one more reason I don't buy clothes online! 

But it's a great boob dress! 

Ok so I'm a crazy bitch :-(

So I went and hung out with my best friend last night, and when she was turned around I looked up Sam's profile on her page (because he is still friends with her) and he does have a gf. Then this morning I found her on my profile, and because we are both in the WCU network, I was able to view her profile. Here's the run down (taken from the perspective of a girl who loves her bf):

She's not as pretty as me. Straight up, she ain't pretty (although my judgement may be biased). It's her nose. She has a big nose (apologize to anyone with a big nose, I'm just overanalyzing this dumb bitch). 

She has nasty thin hair that all she does is straighten- short hair. My hair is the same length now, thanks to misdirection at the hair salon. 

She wears nothing but tshirts and jeans- he has told me he likes how I know how to make an outfit (he is a guy, I'm not that good)

And most importantly, she's younger than him. She isn't graduating until 2010. She will be stuck up there and he will be back here, without sex. I know him, he needs sex, that much. 

And she's a little chunky, at least comparatively. Let me reword that, she's normal, I'm abnormally skinny. But she does have a little chub around her stomach- the sex can't be that good. He has said that I was the best sex he's ever had. When they were together. They started dating end of November (I would make a really good PI) right after he ended it with me and Sarah ended it with him (he needs sex) and he tried to come down to see me, to just have sex with me, in December. I remember because I was in my apartment, and I hadn't moved in until December 5.

And I'm so good I made him agree to wear a condom- he loses it when he wears condoms. 

I know, I know, he could have cheated on her. But he didn't. And it means he misses sex with me... Wonder what else he misses! 

She doesn't look like like the housewife type. Which I want to be (It's a personal choice, I don't think that women belong behind a vacuum and stove, but I love taking care of people and cooking and cleaning and running errands, it is what I want to do!). So I've been talking to him as I clean my kitchen really well (for the first time since I moved in) and he said that I would make a great housewife someday! 

And he asked if I still had the really comfortable bed.

I'm gonna look so hot when we meet up at IKEA in March. Hehe! 

(Just so you know, I don't know this girl. I only call her a dumb bitch bc I want Sam. As far as I know she is a nice girl, and I really hope he doesnt hurt her when he breaks up with her come May (because he will, even if its not for me). She is pretty, I hope she finds love some day, but when you love someone you love someone. Everything is right when Sam and I are together. I know I can take on anything that life throws at me. And he has a stable career ahead of him- health insurance!) 

Warning! There may be some offensive JOKES in this blog! Offensive enough to end a 12 year friendship!

I have had a little bit of a crush on a good friend of mine's brother since I can remember. He's really hot, has the who bad boy vibe going on, and strongly reminds me of Justin Timberlake. But she was a good friend of mine, and I rarely ever saw him, so that was the extent of it, a little heart flutter whenever he walked into the room.

Then the past few months happened. First, he has a child, who he is taking care of very maturely while she is on trial for stealing from the government and is overseas for the Army. They broke up because she was stealing computers and selling them, and denied it to everyone until right around when she had her baby. He said that a relationship is based on trust, and broke up with her. They are now in an open relationship (what he calls it, I call it drama). 

Anyway, so when they were still broken up my friend and I ran into him for the first time since all of this happened. She stopped talking to her brother because she didn't like the way he reacted. So we ran into him, and he flirted with me a little (his personality, but my heart was fluttering away!). And that was it. But I decided my little crush had developed into more. 

Then she invited me out a few times with her siblings (its 4 kids, all of age and all like to drink). I finally came out and all she talked about all night was how her brother had a crush on me and how I should go talk to him. My sober ass was too shy, but he did keep sitting down right beside me, and on top of me at one point.

At the end of the night he asked me for a ride home, his sister was a very drunk dd. I agreed, when we got in the car I asked him where he lived (all 4 of them move a lot), and he announced that he was coming home with me. I told him I don't do that (I left out that I only don't do that with guys I want for more than just sexual), and he got out of the car and walked away. That was the end of that. 

Not quite, I ran went downtown with her a few weeks later and she told me that her brother had been under the impression that I was demanding a tank of gas (I had asked him to fill up my gas tank, but I never said he had to pay). I texted him the next morning, apologizing for it seeming as though this was my intention. He replied saying that he saw a unicorn (he tries to be witty).

I invited him out for my bday, he asked why he could come to my apartment now and not then. I wrote back a mostly joking slightly dirty message about how I don't sleep around, that I was under the impression he wanted to see the inside of my pussy and not my apartment (oops!) and that it was my bday anyway, so whatever happens happens. My friend read this, told me not to say inappropriate things to her (26 year old) brother. I sent them both a message apologizing, explaining it was a joke. He said he didn't mean for that to happen

A few weeks later he texted me and asked if I got the message, that he didn't mean for her to read the message. At this point I realized how inappropriately close this family is. He and I decided to hang out. That was the extent of our plans.

A few weeks later a mutual hs friend of mine and my friends throws a housewarming party. This may be my last time to hang out with my ex friends hot brother. And I may meet someone new, so I go, potential drama be damned! I say hi to everyone, but kinda ignore the two siblings that are closest to my age. Only 3 are present, apparently these 3 have shunned the 4th for leaving her bf. 

Anyway, so I the hot brother stops me and talks to me and I tell him I'm just avoiding drama by avoiding him. I later sit down beside him and talk to him for a bit, can't remember what was said (keg of yuengling, and I don't drink much.)

I also talk to the older brother who also knows about my inappropriate fbook message. Apparently the whole family knows. Yay! The brother isn't mad, he thought it was funny. At least someone did! He then goes on and on about how nice his sisters ex is, about how bad his sister is, and about how he is going to hook up me and his sisters ex. 

Now for the real mature part. A few days ago I see that pictures are being posted (finally) from the above party. I notice that my friends name is no longer clickable. She blocked me on fbook. 

Then today. A few days ago I temporarily got back into surveys on myspace. The first question was would you ever day your number 1? I responded no, she's a girl, I like dick too much. Yes it is dirty and offensive to some people, but it was a joke, and anyone who knows me it is the truth. If you find it offensive then ignore it and go on with your life, don't read my myspace surveys or my blog, I'd rather you not be offended than read my blog and be offended. 

Anyway, so she obviously found this offensive. Decided it was up to her to point this out. She copied that question and answer, said how inappropriate this was, and then blocked me. My friend since I was in 6th grade. We haven't been very close due to the fact that I went away to school and she works all the time, but still, friend since 6th grade that reconnects for a few months every year. Blocked me because of something I said? 

Besides writing about it in my blog and asking the hot brother if I did anything else to offend her, I am leaving this alone. If she thinks the way to solve her problems is to block one of her longest friends, then that is her choice, I'm not touching this. 

O NO!

I think Sam and I are getting involved again. We texted until now. I hate that our relationship (I include platonic and romantic in this) is purely texting, I will change that if something actually begins to happen.

Anyway, we talked about the usual, the houses we both love in Charlotte. How we both want to make money. About the future, although nothing as concrete as we have in the past. 

He also asked if I was doing ok. He finally caught on to the fact that I don't get out much in Raleigh. (I'm kinda over the bar scene and don't have fun with girls sober). He talked about how he's partying a lot, but that he wants to settle down. He also said that he likes to spend quiet nights in. 

Then at the end he asked when I am coming to Charlotte (I know his sb is at the end of this month (it's in winter!). And then he asked if I was busy tomorrow (I have work 9-230). 

No sex until I get more of a commitment than I want to go to State! I know him, he is a very sexual person (in a relationship love it, but I have to watch myself outside of a relationship). 

I can't be with someone I think will abandon me when things get tough. What if I were to get sick again? What if we were to get married and he lost his job? (I am a very pessimistic person) But seriously, what if? He has only abandoned me when we were apart, but things have only gotten tough then. 

No sex! I will get attached! No sex! 

We'll see how long this lasts. 

I know I read too much into things...

So I texted Sam this morning, asking if he was still thinking about going to state. Then I went to work. He said he wasn't sure and asked why. I said jw.

Two hours later I went on break and found three replies, 3 questions for me, including "Ryann, why did you text me?"

I think at that point he realized I was busy and didn't text me multiple times between break.

But we've been texting for nearly 12 hours, including when I was working and only texted a few times. 

We both like quality (something he mentioned several times, with the phrase you and i). I described my amazing apartment and he said he'd like to see it sometime.

He also changed his I dunno if I'm applying to state to I'm applying to UNCC and State. And just now from I'm applying to school or working to I want to stay in school so I can provide (he doesn't overly like his major (electrical engineering) it's all about him proving for his family. He's one of those unique early 20something guys who is more interested in being a family guy than getting around (or at least as interested in being a family guy as getting around at this point). 

He still hasn't mentioned his gf, which I am not surprised about. We'll just see how long he texts me for. 

I've decided I won't invite him down unless he is serious about me. I won't let myself get hurt this time. Last time we reconnected I didn't have feelings for him any longer, and any feelings that did develop I was able to keep this. This time I'm still in love with him, I won't let myself become vulnerable. 

But I am going to try to meet up with him when I go to the new IKEA in Charlotte, and try to go when he is on SB there. Get him to help me load my new furniture. Dress hot, in clothes I know he'll like.

Only time will tell... 

Can't decide

For the past two days I have been debating texting Sam and seeing if he was still applying to State. But I can't decide if I still want him because I miss being with someone, miss someone caring about me, or if I miss him. I do have great friends, but a bf gives you different comfort than friends do. 

On the one hand, I have never felt the same when I am alone as when I am with him. Everything feels right. And not only that, but we have the same goals in life. 

On the other hand, there were little things that really bothered me about him. He never wanted to do anything (maybe because we didn't have much money- may be improved once he starts his lucrative career), he made me feel bad when I wore heels (he's only 3 inches taller than me, but he denied this when we were argueing a few months ago), he never showered (he didn't smell except once or twice, and since I told him this he may do better), sex was on his terms, when he wanted it, and sometimes he just rolled over, went at it and that was it (this happened when we were just sleeping together, when we were in a relationship sometimes he would please me and beforehand I would tell him I was to tired to do anything else and he would be ok with this), he didn't like my cooking (i'm working on it).

Ever since my college friend told me he has a gf (he blocked me on fbook because he was afraid I'd post something on his wall and get him in trouble with his non-gf at the time) I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. For awhile I was over him, then for the past few days I want him back. Or at least work on it when things were more ideal- in the same city. I don't know how long they have been together but, quick run down:

I was pissed at him when he just didn't show and had memorized his number (because I didn't want to) so I kept texting him being a bitch (I know, real mature, but I didn't care anymore). He told me about a week after he just didn't show up that he had already met someone new. This I can only assume is the same girl as above. 

Well, a little over a month after he just didn't show up we started talking and somehow we decided that he would come down when he could because I was the best sex he'd ever had. He still wanted to do this even after I told him he had a small smelly dick (the truth, the smelly part only once or twice) and that he was not the best I'd ever had, that someone who was on chemo at the time because of stage 4 lymphoma was the best I'd ever had (the full truth is that for the first time the chemo guy was the best (long story, but he beat his cancer which is the most important thing), but that Sam knows me best). So I must really be pretty good.

Anyway, so I demanded he wear a condom this time (which he hates, he actually loses it when he wears them), he finally agreed, which surprised me, because I thought this would be a way to get him to be exclusive. I finally said I couldn't do this. I still had feelings for him and everytime I saw a condom on him I would get upset knowing he had someone else at school. We had it out again and that was the last time we were on good terms.

The point is, is that he was willing to come down (a 5 hour drive in a car that gets less than 10mpg) when I think he had a gf., but I don't know for sure so I'm looking past that part. Sex is very important to him. He gets strong feelings for people when he has sex with them. He loves to cuddle after sex. And this is actually when he told me he was still in love with me (I probably should have known he was lying at this point). So this is another reason I've gone and convinced myself that he still wants to be with me. 

I know what I would tell myself at this point. Ignore him. He's an asshole. There are plenty more fish in the sea. You will find someone new! You are a great girl! 

So much easier said that done! 

I'm convinced

So I really need to move on from my ex. I've gotten myself convinced that he still wants to be with me, that he'll go to State and try to be with me, or try to get me to move to Charlotte. That he genuinely does want to treat me like a princess, he just has no money. (There are reasons behind this--- he still has my number in his phone (he says it broke and he accidently sent me a blank text) he ran back to me last time, ran 3 hours, and then 5 hours (ok drove these hours) we both have the same goals in life, and he knows it)

But I need to remember the bad. The fact that he told me he would probably break up with me if I didn't have sex with him within 6 months. I love my virginity to him after about a month and a half. He refused to shower everyday, even after he worked out. He refused to hear my thoughts on (if we got to this point) having a career, or having anything except 4 boys. He's a Southern Republican. He refused to go out on dates, never once bought me flowers. He ran whenever things got hard. He told me he doesn't like my cooking. He acts like a 5 year old. Whenever I stared longingly at baby clothes (I am a girl, I want babies, and we had talked about it in the future before) he said no baby! no baby! no baby! I couldn't explain to him that I am a girl, I love babies and baby clothes, but I do not want them now! He's not romantic! Blames it on his lack of money, has no creativity! 

But then I explain away some of these habits. He was a poor college student. When things got hard we rarely saw each other because of distance. I want to be a stay at home mom. You can't control what gender your children are. I can compromise with him to get him to shower. 

But then I remember the good. He loves to cuddle. I sleep so well when I'm with him. Everything feels right when we are together. He has a lucrative career. We have the same goals. He doesn't mind my expensive taste, because he understands quality. He knows what I like in bed, and I'm very difficult. He likes to take me house shopping. We just get along perfectly when we are together. The problem is when we are apart. 

I was a bitch to him when he broke up with me, and he ran back to me 6 months later. I was a bitch to him when he took everything back, and I'm convinced he'll come running back. 

The thing that I keep thinking about is the fact that the last time he was supposed to come down went down like this. He told me he broke it off with her (the truth was that she broke it off with him, they were not together after about 9 months according to fbook, but she considered him cheating). He told me he was coming down that weekend to make everything ok. Then he asked me to apologize to her for telling her about me. I did, 3 times because he wasn't satisfied with what I said. I didn't hear from him for 2 days, then he just didn't show up. 

I need to stop thinking about him. I no longer want to be with him (or at least I want to be with someone else), but I can't move on 100% until I get serious with someone else. And based on my previous post, you can see that I'm in a pickle (hehe!). 

I can't tell any of my friends these thoughts (what I'm convinced of) so I will share them here, where I won't be able to hear Ryann! What are you talking about!!!!! Sam is an ASS!!!!! Stop thinking about him!!!!!.... Because it is so much easier said than done. And the girl who would say these things was off and on with a guy for 5 years, who cheated on her. O, and during a break tried to kiss me, her best friend. So I can't say it out loud. So you guys get to hear me bitch!

I guess I can't take my cell phone to bars anymore, now that I only half hate him now, I will drunk text him, either bitching him out or begging him back. 

I'm thinking about begging him back, and then abandoning him, but I know I would just fall for him again. 

Loneliness

I know that this is something that is annoying to listen to, but I'm lonely! I have had 1 real bf that lasted 3 months, then we were involved about 6 months later for about 4 more months. I miss having someone to hold me and tell me everything is ok after a bad day. Or someone to take care of when he had a bad day. Or a better future to hope for. I hung out with my best friend and her amazing bf (who I am head over heels in love with because he treats her so well) tonight at the bowling ally. I had a really good time, but it just made me more lonely as they were planning on where they were going to stay the night, his place or her place. 

I've never had a adult relationship. Mine and my exes relationship consisted of beer pong with his friends and going back to my room to have sex. We talked about children and marriage and our future, but he broke up with me as soon as I moved 1 hour away for my internship. We talked about it again when we were working things through, but once again he ended it when he wasn't getting what he wanted. I'm ready for an adult relationship with more concerns than who's going to buy the beer for the weekend. 

I know that it will happen when I don't want it (I was having the most fun I'd ever had in college when I fell for my ex) and its great to pretend on the outside that I'm having a ball. But the periodic make out at a bar, or hook up at a party just doesn't cut it. I guess it will happen when it happens. I just need to learn to chase a little, if I become interested in someone I meet through someone, I don't need to hope that he'll ask about me, I need to do what I can to see him again, and compliment him. I also need to accept dates with guys, even if I don't see potential, because you never know. I need to grow some balls, make the first move sometimes (but let him make the big move). I also need to make a point of calling! Instead of settling for texting! I also need to go for a guy who is going somewhere in life, not a guy who barely graduating from high school and is now jumping from job to job, because he keeps getting fired! I need a future! 

Any ideas on where to meet a good guy?

25 things about me!

This is my second blog. This blog is about me. I have decided to begin this blog with a 25 things about me:

1. I'm just now getting into Grey's and Desperate Housewives

2. I don't like The Hills

3. But I love Lauren Conrad and Lo

4. I can't cook

5. But I'm learning on myself

6. I'm still not over my ex

7. My longest relationship was my above ex- 3 months

8. I lost my virginity to him when I was almost 22

9. I've never slept with someone older than me

10. I just want a bf for the physical right now

11. I have a history of going for guys who aren't really going anywhere in life

12. I'm still teaching myself how to look nice

13. I look more like I'm in high school than I should teach high school- what my degree is in

14. I'm bad at making and keeping friends

15. I miss senior year of college- when I had friends, and then a bf

16. I come off as a bitch- just because I don't know what to say when I first meet someone

17. I have horrible luck

19. Nothing has ever worked out the way I hope

20. I'm jealous of almost everyone else I meet

21. I catch myself wondering what I would do if I wasn't hot

22. I wear tight clothes to get attention from guys

23. I'm a contradiction- I don't even understand myself

24. I remember guys faces and names before I ever remember girl's

25. I wish I wasn't so lonely, but anytime a friend comes over I just want them to leave.