I'm convinced

So I really need to move on from my ex. I've gotten myself convinced that he still wants to be with me, that he'll go to State and try to be with me, or try to get me to move to Charlotte. That he genuinely does want to treat me like a princess, he just has no money. (There are reasons behind this--- he still has my number in his phone (he says it broke and he accidently sent me a blank text) he ran back to me last time, ran 3 hours, and then 5 hours (ok drove these hours) we both have the same goals in life, and he knows it)

But I need to remember the bad. The fact that he told me he would probably break up with me if I didn't have sex with him within 6 months. I love my virginity to him after about a month and a half. He refused to shower everyday, even after he worked out. He refused to hear my thoughts on (if we got to this point) having a career, or having anything except 4 boys. He's a Southern Republican. He refused to go out on dates, never once bought me flowers. He ran whenever things got hard. He told me he doesn't like my cooking. He acts like a 5 year old. Whenever I stared longingly at baby clothes (I am a girl, I want babies, and we had talked about it in the future before) he said no baby! no baby! no baby! I couldn't explain to him that I am a girl, I love babies and baby clothes, but I do not want them now! He's not romantic! Blames it on his lack of money, has no creativity! 

But then I explain away some of these habits. He was a poor college student. When things got hard we rarely saw each other because of distance. I want to be a stay at home mom. You can't control what gender your children are. I can compromise with him to get him to shower. 

But then I remember the good. He loves to cuddle. I sleep so well when I'm with him. Everything feels right when we are together. He has a lucrative career. We have the same goals. He doesn't mind my expensive taste, because he understands quality. He knows what I like in bed, and I'm very difficult. He likes to take me house shopping. We just get along perfectly when we are together. The problem is when we are apart. 

I was a bitch to him when he broke up with me, and he ran back to me 6 months later. I was a bitch to him when he took everything back, and I'm convinced he'll come running back. 

The thing that I keep thinking about is the fact that the last time he was supposed to come down went down like this. He told me he broke it off with her (the truth was that she broke it off with him, they were not together after about 9 months according to fbook, but she considered him cheating). He told me he was coming down that weekend to make everything ok. Then he asked me to apologize to her for telling her about me. I did, 3 times because he wasn't satisfied with what I said. I didn't hear from him for 2 days, then he just didn't show up. 

I need to stop thinking about him. I no longer want to be with him (or at least I want to be with someone else), but I can't move on 100% until I get serious with someone else. And based on my previous post, you can see that I'm in a pickle (hehe!). 

I can't tell any of my friends these thoughts (what I'm convinced of) so I will share them here, where I won't be able to hear Ryann! What are you talking about!!!!! Sam is an ASS!!!!! Stop thinking about him!!!!!.... Because it is so much easier said than done. And the girl who would say these things was off and on with a guy for 5 years, who cheated on her. O, and during a break tried to kiss me, her best friend. So I can't say it out loud. So you guys get to hear me bitch!

I guess I can't take my cell phone to bars anymore, now that I only half hate him now, I will drunk text him, either bitching him out or begging him back. 

I'm thinking about begging him back, and then abandoning him, but I know I would just fall for him again.