here's what I was trying to say last night

Basically, I miss sex with Sam. And my feelings have dissipated (while still there) to where they were last fall when we first started back. When I was ok without a relationship, and with him being with Sarah, with just sex. With just a sexual relationship. 

Plus: I know he developed feelings for me last time. The only way he'll see me is if I have sex with him. He won't drive down to Raleigh just to see me, he doesn't have feelings for me so he has no reason to. But if he spends time with me, and I give him what he wants, and he realizes I can give him everything he wants, I'll get him back.

Minus: He does have a gf. I'm afraid he will cheat, and I will want him so bad that I will be ok with it. There is that phrase, once a cheater, always a cheater. But if I am the best he's ever had, why would he ever need to cheat on me. He may or may not cheat on his current gf to get the best sex he's ever had again. But who knows if he will even cheat.

I'd even be willing to move to Charlotte once my lease is up, and by that point I would have good standing with Target. I have been told that I am doing so well that I could do anything with Target, so I may be able to get any job. And Sam would probably be willing to help me out, if I give him sex, which I would love to. I love Charlotte, and that's where his job is. 

Only time will tell!

But for tonight, I'm getting drinks with this guy who I went to hs with. What should I wear!!!!! All my cute/casual shirts can't be worn when it's below 60 degrees outside! :-(

Realization

I came to realize something. The way it started last time, the way I got him to fall for me last time. 

It started as just friends with benefits. No feelings. And then he began to develop feelings. Everything feelings wise was at his pase. 

My feelings for him are beginning to dissipate, but I need to get laid. I may talk to him when I see him in Charlotte.

I don't think he would cheat, but he really wants sex from me.

Anyway, I got a prescription headache med today to take 1 time daily and I'm starting to develop a headache and I can't take anything bc of it. And I know I am making no sense at this point. 

Signs, signs everywhere...

So first of all, I got the sweetest pick up line today. I wore my amazing dress, and of course guys just stared at me all day, but it is to be expected in this dress. Then this Indian guy came in, and he was nice, but not interested. Well he came back and he asked if I was from Greece and I took it seriously. He said well I thought most goddesses were from Greece. So he tried to get my number and i told him I was getting back with my ex. But it was so sweet. 

Anyway, so I have been seeing the name Sam everywhere. Everywhere!!!! I mean just now I was looking for churches in my area (I might begin attending again!) and I found a study group for singles my age. And then I looked at the name of the group, its called SAM- Singles Adult Ministries. Seriously? In Raleigh? 

Basically I attended in elem school, then got sick and my mom stopped making me go. Well he dragged me when we were together a few times (he isn't one of those no sex till marriage (obviously), no drinking Christians, but it is a big part of his life. He actually attended a private high school in his Church). And now I'm thinking about attending. And it's called SAM! Seriously! 

Anyway, I talked to him today. I have to get another surgery for my moles, and I made an appointment a few days before I got to Charlotte, so I won't be able to load my car. So I asked him if he was going to help me with my car. And he said yeah, sure, I'm sorry about what happened again. Then we talked and he seemed kind of disinterested, but I wrote it off. The again was bothering me all day. So at 8pm I asked if I could ask him a question, ask what the again meant, but he didn't answer. So I'm not going to ask him and just hope it doesn't mean what I think it meant.

I thought he meant about being bitchy Fri night. Now I'm not sure, I think it may have been because he made me think he still had feelings for me.

But he asked me later when I was coming down, so it at least means hes thinking about it. We shall see!!!! 

old pro/con list

So I went back and reread all the Sam posts, all the way back from when we first met. I remembered that last fall when we had started to get back together I had made a pro/con list. Here it is with some additions:

Pros: It feels right- have you ever had this feeling just because you were with someone- everything in the world was right, nothing could go wrong, you could take on and fix anything that happened. That's the way I feel when I'm with him. We have the same long term goals- we both want the whole 2.5 kids (except he wants 4 boys because I am supposed to control this) white picket fence (when I told him this he took it literally) and golden retriever (well, lab). We would be comfortable- basically financially, it won't be a 26 room mansion, but it would be a nice house. He loves to cuddle- he does, and we fit perfectly together. He has a great body- he isn't fat, he wouldn't win Mr. America, but he is def better than most others. And he's just taller than me, I like being able to look in other peoples eyes. He worries about me- he's constantly asking how I am. Last time we talked I had lost my appetite, and at a little over 100 pounds I can't afford that. So last week he actually asked how I was eating. He used to mostly care about getting me off- it's about me, but it's more about him sometimes. It used to always be me first, then this past fall he would roll over, go at it, and that be it. Based on recent texts he just wants it to be good for me. He held and kissed me in front of his friends- When we were together he did this. Of course only one of his friends knew about me this past fall, and this was one I had never met before, and didn't know our history I don't think. His friends I don't think liked me much. Very horny- just like me! 

Cons: He never treated me like I was special- I always just felt like another girl, never bought me presents, never took me out, but never had any money. I never woke up with him looking at me- I've always wanted this, just to feel beautiful bc he just wanted to look at me. I did catch him just looking at me the weekend he told me he was still in love with me, i liked that. He never watched the movies he said he would- He told me he would watch Sweet Home Alabama, one of my fav movies. It was on tv for an entire weekend, and he told me he was excited (or he said if your excited I'm excited) but he never came to watch it with me. he only did anything really special once- the day he asked me out he took me to dinner in asheville, then shopping, then on the park way and asked me out. But he had no money. He took me shopping on his bday, because he said he likes shopping with me, I have a good sense of taste. And he bought me the license plate. Never done that for me! He broke up wiht me as soon as things went downhill- I keep hoping things would have been diff both times if we were in the same area. I paid for a movie I didn't want to see on my bday weekend! yeah, this is inexcusible, but at least the second time he dragged me to a movie I didnt want to see (a scary movie, I didn't want most of it, I don't like jumpy movies (quarentine)) he did pay for it. he never wanted to hang out with my friends- that will have to change. He never watned to do what I wanted to do out- he never had any money. Hopefully that will change. He used to order me around- what? I think I'm referring to a weekend he told me to go get him a beer a few times, a few hours before he kept asking if I needed water, and a night that same weekend he asked if he wanted him to bring me something when I said I was hungry. Or the time he told me to stop leaning on the banister, I was drunk and took offense. Or I could be blocking something out. He doesn't give me my independence- I think the banister thing. And he used to say I had to be a housewife. I want to be a housewife, because I like to run errands and take care of people and I like to cook and clean and all those little housewify things. But I don't want to be made to do something, that would make it not fun. He didn't ask about my spots- I had a few moles removed for biopsy and out of 5 I have had to have 2 surgeries to get more tissue removed. I inherited my fathers skin. But I hadn't had surgery yet, just biopsies and he never asked about the sudden scabs on my backa nd chest. 

I did read about how he used to treat me. How he used call me my love, this was a few days before he told me he loved me. How he used to tell me I was his priority one. All of these things that i have myself convinced will happen again once we are in the same area for a significant amount of time again. Convinced!!!!! 

Still don't know what happened...

Friday morning I talked to him momentarily. All he said to me was that he was in class, I texted him a few more times because I was bored out of my mind at work and didn't realize how much I texted him. Tomorrow I'm leaving my phone in my car, and then I'm at Target Tues, Wed and Thurs. Anyway, so I looked at Amanda's profile Friday night and saw that he went home with her for the weekend. So I decided to have some fun. 

So I sent him a text message saying I wanted him, and then another one.

Sam: I don't want to do this ok?

Me: R u ok?

Sam: Yeah, I just don't want to do this

Me: Ever

Sam: Yeah it would be better

Me: Y

Sam: Just don't, sorry

Me: don't what, I am so confused, what happened to best sex ever, buying me the license plate, talking things over in charlotte (i texted him asking if he had gotten my email (i sent him an email with a pic of me in my fav dress, it's actually my fbook pic, but I look really really good) and then no reply, so i said you are probably not replying because u think i'm mad, i'm not, i just think it would be easier to talk about it in person in charlotte. he said ok, i'm just busy in class)

Sam: no, please don't text me

So I was devastated at this point, but things started to go back up a little at this point

Me: R u afraid I'm going to tell amanda? I haven't yet have i? (This was the first time I even told him I knew he had a gf, I just told him I knew he had a gf and I knew her name, I'm not going to tell him I fbook stalk her, I really do hate fbook, it causes drama)

Sam: Please, I don't want to. I will help you move and I'll give you the plate.

Me: I just want to know what happened, I am so confused, I said I wasn't mad, we could tlak about it later, what changed?

Sam: Maybe later, I not good right now (Yeah, thats what he said)

Me: Will u tlak to me later? or is this like the time u got me to message sarah and then didn't show up (long story)

Sam: I need some time to think

Me: will u tell me whats going on later? be honest please

Sam: Yeah, later

Me: I'm sending u an email, i assume u will be busy all weekend, but just read it whenever u can, have a good weekend, I hope she makes u happy.

basically the email said i want you back, i know it won't happen for awhile, i'm sure u have real feelins for her and iwll while you two are still together, i'm not asking you to break up with her, i have nothing against her, as far as i know she's not a crazy bitch like sarah was, i explained my meltdowns, that i'm back on B12 and am looking into B12 shots. I told him that we don't know the future, that a lot would have to change such as distance, he asked if i would be ok with having sex with him whenever he wanted if i took care of him, I said i didn't know the diff between this and a relationship, that for now i won't have sex with him, but i would like to continue texting him some and I ended with telling him everthing i liked about him. 

So I sent my guy friend from college all of this (bless him for listening to me) and he said that of course it's impossible to know what is really going on with him. But he thinks he just doesn't know what he wants right now. He also thinks that I am much hotter than his gf. 

I'm giving it a few days, no texting him. Then I'll send him another e-mail. With my blackberry I can't type very much and i can't express myself very well. So I like e-mails. 

But there are a few things I noticed:

1. Bad- he knows me, knows I'm hard headed. Knew that I wouldn't give up until he gave me something to go on, that he would talk to me later.

2. Good- he went from don't text me to I need to think about it and I'll talk to you later after I told him I already knew about Amanda. 

3. Good- he texted me a lot, but then when he is with Amanda he says he can't text me- understandable.

4. Good- I looked at pics of her trip home, there is one pic of them together, they are sitting in sep law chairs with her family (who is rather large, nothing against large people, but i know he likes my itty bitty body) 

I can eat sugar!

In 6th grade I was diagnosed with Crohn's. In 7th grade my mom and I realized that sugar was the main thing that set it off. Both cane sugar and nutrasweet type things. 

Before this I would eat and unnatural amount of sugar, I would have the normal amount of desserts, but everytime my mom had her back turned I would steal a handful and hide it. I would also go to my neighbors house, until they had a child, and get candy. 

When I realized that it was sugar I was devastated. Sugar is like cigarettes to a smoker, alcohol to an alcoholic. Once I start eating it again, and I start to get really sick, it takes all my will power to stop again to make myself healthy.

I love baking. For the few years after my surgery in 8th grade I was able to eat normal amounts of dessert again. And I was a great baker, but then when I started to get sick again in college, I had to stop again. Everytime I had a little, I won't go into details. But if I got hooked for as little as a week I would end up in pain. After a few months of constant sugar intake I ended up in the hospital.

Then I began seeing recipes for something called truvia. It is natural and not processed. I decided to do research... and it is safe for IBS! IBS being something similar to Crohn's, but not nearly as serious. Many things that cause IBS symptoms can also cause Crohn's. 

I may be able to bake again! 

I'm so happy I'm almost crying :-D 

This is for realz! (I feel like I'm 16)

So I texted Sam all day when I was on breaks. This morning I didn't reply to a very sexual text he sent me. Then I went to work. I went to lunch and found 2 texts from him asking what I was doing. And my break after lunch I found have a good day at work, text me anytime. So I did. I just got off work and told him I was so excited to get off work (10th day working in a row, hopefully a day off Sunday!) and he just texted me that he bought me something. He has never bought me something just bc. Never! He spent $60 on me for christmas when we were together. He got me a tag for my car that says WCU! I'm almost in tears, I can't believe he did that! OMG! And it's not something sexual, that's what I'm most excited about. But it's Cullowhee, I don't think you can buy anything sexual in Cullowhee. I don't think u can within an hour.

Anyway, hehe! 

Well...

So I turned my ringer off of my phone last night bc I had a migraine and I texted Sam a few more times after that. So I didn't notice that while I was writing that blog, he texted me:

Sam: I'm sorry I stopped talking last night, I was feeling sick. I want you so bad girl, hope you feel better tomorrow. (I stopped texted at 8 when I got a migraine and just wasn't feeling it. He texted me at 9 asking what happened and I told him I didn't feel good. I didn't want him to worry so I didn't tell him the whole truth because he knows my health. I just told him a headache, but a headache for me means more than that).

Sam: I keep looking at your txt. I want you so bad. I wish I was next to you, holding you, feeling your hot body against mind. I want all of you, Ryann.

Me: R u ok? I want u to hold me so much, I just don't want the same thing to happen again.

Sam: Yeh im ok, I want you Ryann I wish I was there to hold you and please your body.

Sam: I don't want it to be like last time either

Me: I'm not going to make u do something u don't want, but I don't want to get hurt again. I can't do just physical with u. And I don't exactly want a relationship (I just want exclusiveness, sorta, I don't care if he makes out with other girls, its more not sex with other girls, and no emotions- sleeping with other girls (he likes to cuddle to), things like that. And of course breaking up with the gf he doesn't know I know about. And I don't want to seem like the crazy bitch that I am, so I will do what I can to keep that to myself.)

Sam: Ok well like i have said, I will be in Charlotte over the smmer and next fall, maybe even Raleigh (he has a job in Charlotte where he did his internship (he is an electrical engineering major), or he's thinking about grad school at NC State, in Raleigh. I just know that Charlotte is 2.5 hours away and 1 hour was too far when we were actually together a year ago. I don't want him to be unhappy. I love Charlotte, but I can't move. I have a lease in an amazing apartment that is market valued $150 more than what I'm paying, and I have a lease in it until Dec, that would be really expensive to break. And I'm about to go full time at Target, which is really hard to do.)

Me: RTP is right here. But u have a job in Charlotte. I justk now even 1 hour was to much for u, I don't want u to be unhappy.

Sam: If I get u and great sex, then it would not be far.

Me: Only time will tell. But my apartent is worth Raleigh. Ud really like it. 

And it continues, but those are the highlights. Maybe he's serious. He knows we are perfect for each other. Together we have amazing sex. We both love sex. We both have the same goals in life. We have the same taste. Everything is right when we are together, even he admits all of this, he did a week ago. But only time will tell. 

Here goes the sex talk again... I have stuff to do. 

Anoche

Does anoche mean last night? I hope so, everytime I think of last night I think anoche recently. 

Anyway, so I texted Sam yesturday to ask if he could help me at IKEA over SB, apparently he is going to the beach for SB. He said he may be able to come back early, he isn't sure. I told him about my new boots, which he seems to really like. He asked me if I had ever had sex in them (I'm telling you one track mind, which I will have to control). Anyway, so I told him I would wear them if he could help me at IKEA. So we talked from 2:30 when I got off work (and actually during my break as well) until 10pm. Generally sex related texts (I'm telling you one track mind). I also told him I made a great meatloaf the other day, he wants me to cook it for him, in only an apron. I also asked if he only wanted sex from me, he said he didn't know. I hope that really is an I dunno, and isn't a hell no, but I'm too nice, and I want sex. Time will only tell, I just have to watch myself, bc he won't watch himself, esp considering the fact that he does still have a gf, even though he doesn't know I know.

Anyway, I also hung out with Brittani last night, and told her I was texting a coworker. (I tried to tell him I had to go, but he kept asking me about those boots.) And she said that she friended Matt, her hot coworker who just broke up with his gf, or had a month ago. Anyway, so from my blackberry, while sitting in the restaurant they work in, I friended him, and then talked to him through fbook on my bb also. (I'm such a bad friend... I'm sorry brittani!) Anyway, so he wants to be a teacher (which I tried to talk him out of), he works at Brio and Friday's, and he parties at least 1 time a week. I'm kind of over it. But we shall see! 

So I work a lot

I'm back up to working 6-7 days a week. My last day off was Monday, before last. My next day off will be Sunday, unless Taji schedules me. He said he would call me and let me know. I work all day, and then text Sam, and most likely he is with the gf.

I almost had a meltdown when I looked up her profile (I am such a stalker! :-() and saw that they went on the blue ridge parkway for Vday. I dunno if they went camping like we did. But I did see that they stopped, and i think kissed, at the highest point on the parkway. Just like we did. And he drove!!!! Unless she has a big white SUV (I saw the hood in a pic) she drove. Or else he let her drive his car (he did say he would let me, but then I expressed my fear, considering the fact that I freaked out when I drove a 4runner, and his car is even bigger than that. 

Anyway, I was excited to find that I am working full time the first week in March. Unfortunately this is the same weekend I was planning on driving down to Charlotte. I have 2 days I could still go. Tuesday I get off at 230. I'd get there at about 5pm. I'd basically turn right back around. And I dunno if I will get my car back by then. Or Saturday. When it will be busy. I get off work at 230 tomorrow. I will text him and tell him I really need his help. 

I made a good meatloaf last night too! His favorite food. I'm so excited. I have begun to love cooking. I made chicken'n'dumplings tonight. They didn't turn out too good though :-(. But I was reusing chicken I meant to use last week and ended up freezing. That was the most expensive thing I bought, and I would have just thrown it out anyway, so I will try my mom's recipe that I forgot about, next time.

Anyway, enough of my rambling...

Did she really just go there?

Yes I did! I want to write a short blog about my love affair... with my birth control. I am on the Nuvaring. Just a little overview, between my horrible memory, and my inability to absorb everything I eat (I have Crohn's disease), I cannot take the pill and expect it to work. I tried depo, sucked! Now I'm on the ring! 

It is amazing! Well maybe not because I'm single, but I hope to change that soon. Anyway, the reasons I love it:

• You don't have to remember anything! Just put it in and forget about it for 3 weeks, then take it out for 1 and get your period. A simple thing to write down in your calendar. 
• You don't feel it! I think about once a week I do, less than that. It only lasts a minute after I have been siting for awhile and then stand and walk for awhile. It slides a little bit and then it slides right back up! But placement doesn't matter! 
• Normal sized guys don't feel it either. I've never had a comment about it. And it hurt me the first time I had sex with it, so I began taking it out. Then I decided to leave it in because I was reading a lot of forums and I was the only one who felt it. He got worried when I did go back and put it back in right after (because his mind was on one thing before). I didn't feel it, and he got worried. 
• It makes my boobs bigger! I am very flat chested. I don't go anywhere without a bra or big sweatshirt on. I am a small A cup, almost AA. But with it after just 2 months this time (I went off it for 1 month and my boobs shrank again to save money), my boobs are already a full, and maybe a large A! 
• I haven't noticed another other weight gain, although at 110 lb I wouldn't mind it.
• My libido has gone up. Especially in the first month I was on it, I always wanted it... and never got it (or maybe just once or twice) because I was single. 

It's easy and I love it.  And as I continue to notice larger boobs, I fall deeper and deeper in love with the ring and I wanted to share my love!

Update: I haven't talked to Sam all weekend. I may not be texting him much, too busy. Give him a chance to see that I am fine and stable and busy! And I'm working 2 jobs, 7 days a week, so I really am busy. Can't wait to see him! I've started an ab workout to give myself hot abs, that I will have him touch. And my bigger boobs!!!! I better find a good boob shirt! 

Dresses being called tops?

Why are dresses being called tops now? I bought this amazing top today from forever 21 and it's called a top on the website. So I get excited to wear it with my new hot jeans $100 jeans that I got for $45 from plato's closet. I go into the dressing room and the thing goes well below my butt. I know that it is not the style to wear belly shirts anymore, but shouldn't shirts stop above or at the butt? Or maybe that is just me. I thought tunics were long tops. So confused! Just one more reason I don't buy clothes online! 

But it's a great boob dress! 

Ok so I'm a crazy bitch :-(

So I went and hung out with my best friend last night, and when she was turned around I looked up Sam's profile on her page (because he is still friends with her) and he does have a gf. Then this morning I found her on my profile, and because we are both in the WCU network, I was able to view her profile. Here's the run down (taken from the perspective of a girl who loves her bf):

She's not as pretty as me. Straight up, she ain't pretty (although my judgement may be biased). It's her nose. She has a big nose (apologize to anyone with a big nose, I'm just overanalyzing this dumb bitch). 

She has nasty thin hair that all she does is straighten- short hair. My hair is the same length now, thanks to misdirection at the hair salon. 

She wears nothing but tshirts and jeans- he has told me he likes how I know how to make an outfit (he is a guy, I'm not that good)

And most importantly, she's younger than him. She isn't graduating until 2010. She will be stuck up there and he will be back here, without sex. I know him, he needs sex, that much. 

And she's a little chunky, at least comparatively. Let me reword that, she's normal, I'm abnormally skinny. But she does have a little chub around her stomach- the sex can't be that good. He has said that I was the best sex he's ever had. When they were together. They started dating end of November (I would make a really good PI) right after he ended it with me and Sarah ended it with him (he needs sex) and he tried to come down to see me, to just have sex with me, in December. I remember because I was in my apartment, and I hadn't moved in until December 5.

And I'm so good I made him agree to wear a condom- he loses it when he wears condoms. 

I know, I know, he could have cheated on her. But he didn't. And it means he misses sex with me... Wonder what else he misses! 

She doesn't look like like the housewife type. Which I want to be (It's a personal choice, I don't think that women belong behind a vacuum and stove, but I love taking care of people and cooking and cleaning and running errands, it is what I want to do!). So I've been talking to him as I clean my kitchen really well (for the first time since I moved in) and he said that I would make a great housewife someday! 

And he asked if I still had the really comfortable bed.

I'm gonna look so hot when we meet up at IKEA in March. Hehe! 

(Just so you know, I don't know this girl. I only call her a dumb bitch bc I want Sam. As far as I know she is a nice girl, and I really hope he doesnt hurt her when he breaks up with her come May (because he will, even if its not for me). She is pretty, I hope she finds love some day, but when you love someone you love someone. Everything is right when Sam and I are together. I know I can take on anything that life throws at me. And he has a stable career ahead of him- health insurance!) 

Warning! There may be some offensive JOKES in this blog! Offensive enough to end a 12 year friendship!

I have had a little bit of a crush on a good friend of mine's brother since I can remember. He's really hot, has the who bad boy vibe going on, and strongly reminds me of Justin Timberlake. But she was a good friend of mine, and I rarely ever saw him, so that was the extent of it, a little heart flutter whenever he walked into the room.

Then the past few months happened. First, he has a child, who he is taking care of very maturely while she is on trial for stealing from the government and is overseas for the Army. They broke up because she was stealing computers and selling them, and denied it to everyone until right around when she had her baby. He said that a relationship is based on trust, and broke up with her. They are now in an open relationship (what he calls it, I call it drama). 

Anyway, so when they were still broken up my friend and I ran into him for the first time since all of this happened. She stopped talking to her brother because she didn't like the way he reacted. So we ran into him, and he flirted with me a little (his personality, but my heart was fluttering away!). And that was it. But I decided my little crush had developed into more. 

Then she invited me out a few times with her siblings (its 4 kids, all of age and all like to drink). I finally came out and all she talked about all night was how her brother had a crush on me and how I should go talk to him. My sober ass was too shy, but he did keep sitting down right beside me, and on top of me at one point.

At the end of the night he asked me for a ride home, his sister was a very drunk dd. I agreed, when we got in the car I asked him where he lived (all 4 of them move a lot), and he announced that he was coming home with me. I told him I don't do that (I left out that I only don't do that with guys I want for more than just sexual), and he got out of the car and walked away. That was the end of that. 

Not quite, I ran went downtown with her a few weeks later and she told me that her brother had been under the impression that I was demanding a tank of gas (I had asked him to fill up my gas tank, but I never said he had to pay). I texted him the next morning, apologizing for it seeming as though this was my intention. He replied saying that he saw a unicorn (he tries to be witty).

I invited him out for my bday, he asked why he could come to my apartment now and not then. I wrote back a mostly joking slightly dirty message about how I don't sleep around, that I was under the impression he wanted to see the inside of my pussy and not my apartment (oops!) and that it was my bday anyway, so whatever happens happens. My friend read this, told me not to say inappropriate things to her (26 year old) brother. I sent them both a message apologizing, explaining it was a joke. He said he didn't mean for that to happen

A few weeks later he texted me and asked if I got the message, that he didn't mean for her to read the message. At this point I realized how inappropriately close this family is. He and I decided to hang out. That was the extent of our plans.

A few weeks later a mutual hs friend of mine and my friends throws a housewarming party. This may be my last time to hang out with my ex friends hot brother. And I may meet someone new, so I go, potential drama be damned! I say hi to everyone, but kinda ignore the two siblings that are closest to my age. Only 3 are present, apparently these 3 have shunned the 4th for leaving her bf. 

Anyway, so I the hot brother stops me and talks to me and I tell him I'm just avoiding drama by avoiding him. I later sit down beside him and talk to him for a bit, can't remember what was said (keg of yuengling, and I don't drink much.)

I also talk to the older brother who also knows about my inappropriate fbook message. Apparently the whole family knows. Yay! The brother isn't mad, he thought it was funny. At least someone did! He then goes on and on about how nice his sisters ex is, about how bad his sister is, and about how he is going to hook up me and his sisters ex. 

Now for the real mature part. A few days ago I see that pictures are being posted (finally) from the above party. I notice that my friends name is no longer clickable. She blocked me on fbook. 

Then today. A few days ago I temporarily got back into surveys on myspace. The first question was would you ever day your number 1? I responded no, she's a girl, I like dick too much. Yes it is dirty and offensive to some people, but it was a joke, and anyone who knows me it is the truth. If you find it offensive then ignore it and go on with your life, don't read my myspace surveys or my blog, I'd rather you not be offended than read my blog and be offended. 

Anyway, so she obviously found this offensive. Decided it was up to her to point this out. She copied that question and answer, said how inappropriate this was, and then blocked me. My friend since I was in 6th grade. We haven't been very close due to the fact that I went away to school and she works all the time, but still, friend since 6th grade that reconnects for a few months every year. Blocked me because of something I said? 

Besides writing about it in my blog and asking the hot brother if I did anything else to offend her, I am leaving this alone. If she thinks the way to solve her problems is to block one of her longest friends, then that is her choice, I'm not touching this. 

O NO!

I think Sam and I are getting involved again. We texted until now. I hate that our relationship (I include platonic and romantic in this) is purely texting, I will change that if something actually begins to happen.

Anyway, we talked about the usual, the houses we both love in Charlotte. How we both want to make money. About the future, although nothing as concrete as we have in the past. 

He also asked if I was doing ok. He finally caught on to the fact that I don't get out much in Raleigh. (I'm kinda over the bar scene and don't have fun with girls sober). He talked about how he's partying a lot, but that he wants to settle down. He also said that he likes to spend quiet nights in. 

Then at the end he asked when I am coming to Charlotte (I know his sb is at the end of this month (it's in winter!). And then he asked if I was busy tomorrow (I have work 9-230). 

No sex until I get more of a commitment than I want to go to State! I know him, he is a very sexual person (in a relationship love it, but I have to watch myself outside of a relationship). 

I can't be with someone I think will abandon me when things get tough. What if I were to get sick again? What if we were to get married and he lost his job? (I am a very pessimistic person) But seriously, what if? He has only abandoned me when we were apart, but things have only gotten tough then. 

No sex! I will get attached! No sex! 

We'll see how long this lasts. 

I know I read too much into things...

So I texted Sam this morning, asking if he was still thinking about going to state. Then I went to work. He said he wasn't sure and asked why. I said jw.

Two hours later I went on break and found three replies, 3 questions for me, including "Ryann, why did you text me?"

I think at that point he realized I was busy and didn't text me multiple times between break.

But we've been texting for nearly 12 hours, including when I was working and only texted a few times. 

We both like quality (something he mentioned several times, with the phrase you and i). I described my amazing apartment and he said he'd like to see it sometime.

He also changed his I dunno if I'm applying to state to I'm applying to UNCC and State. And just now from I'm applying to school or working to I want to stay in school so I can provide (he doesn't overly like his major (electrical engineering) it's all about him proving for his family. He's one of those unique early 20something guys who is more interested in being a family guy than getting around (or at least as interested in being a family guy as getting around at this point). 

He still hasn't mentioned his gf, which I am not surprised about. We'll just see how long he texts me for. 

I've decided I won't invite him down unless he is serious about me. I won't let myself get hurt this time. Last time we reconnected I didn't have feelings for him any longer, and any feelings that did develop I was able to keep this. This time I'm still in love with him, I won't let myself become vulnerable. 

But I am going to try to meet up with him when I go to the new IKEA in Charlotte, and try to go when he is on SB there. Get him to help me load my new furniture. Dress hot, in clothes I know he'll like.

Only time will tell... 

Can't decide

For the past two days I have been debating texting Sam and seeing if he was still applying to State. But I can't decide if I still want him because I miss being with someone, miss someone caring about me, or if I miss him. I do have great friends, but a bf gives you different comfort than friends do. 

On the one hand, I have never felt the same when I am alone as when I am with him. Everything feels right. And not only that, but we have the same goals in life. 

On the other hand, there were little things that really bothered me about him. He never wanted to do anything (maybe because we didn't have much money- may be improved once he starts his lucrative career), he made me feel bad when I wore heels (he's only 3 inches taller than me, but he denied this when we were argueing a few months ago), he never showered (he didn't smell except once or twice, and since I told him this he may do better), sex was on his terms, when he wanted it, and sometimes he just rolled over, went at it and that was it (this happened when we were just sleeping together, when we were in a relationship sometimes he would please me and beforehand I would tell him I was to tired to do anything else and he would be ok with this), he didn't like my cooking (i'm working on it).

Ever since my college friend told me he has a gf (he blocked me on fbook because he was afraid I'd post something on his wall and get him in trouble with his non-gf at the time) I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. For awhile I was over him, then for the past few days I want him back. Or at least work on it when things were more ideal- in the same city. I don't know how long they have been together but, quick run down:

I was pissed at him when he just didn't show and had memorized his number (because I didn't want to) so I kept texting him being a bitch (I know, real mature, but I didn't care anymore). He told me about a week after he just didn't show up that he had already met someone new. This I can only assume is the same girl as above. 

Well, a little over a month after he just didn't show up we started talking and somehow we decided that he would come down when he could because I was the best sex he'd ever had. He still wanted to do this even after I told him he had a small smelly dick (the truth, the smelly part only once or twice) and that he was not the best I'd ever had, that someone who was on chemo at the time because of stage 4 lymphoma was the best I'd ever had (the full truth is that for the first time the chemo guy was the best (long story, but he beat his cancer which is the most important thing), but that Sam knows me best). So I must really be pretty good.

Anyway, so I demanded he wear a condom this time (which he hates, he actually loses it when he wears them), he finally agreed, which surprised me, because I thought this would be a way to get him to be exclusive. I finally said I couldn't do this. I still had feelings for him and everytime I saw a condom on him I would get upset knowing he had someone else at school. We had it out again and that was the last time we were on good terms.

The point is, is that he was willing to come down (a 5 hour drive in a car that gets less than 10mpg) when I think he had a gf., but I don't know for sure so I'm looking past that part. Sex is very important to him. He gets strong feelings for people when he has sex with them. He loves to cuddle after sex. And this is actually when he told me he was still in love with me (I probably should have known he was lying at this point). So this is another reason I've gone and convinced myself that he still wants to be with me. 

I know what I would tell myself at this point. Ignore him. He's an asshole. There are plenty more fish in the sea. You will find someone new! You are a great girl! 

So much easier said that done! 

I'm convinced

So I really need to move on from my ex. I've gotten myself convinced that he still wants to be with me, that he'll go to State and try to be with me, or try to get me to move to Charlotte. That he genuinely does want to treat me like a princess, he just has no money. (There are reasons behind this--- he still has my number in his phone (he says it broke and he accidently sent me a blank text) he ran back to me last time, ran 3 hours, and then 5 hours (ok drove these hours) we both have the same goals in life, and he knows it)

But I need to remember the bad. The fact that he told me he would probably break up with me if I didn't have sex with him within 6 months. I love my virginity to him after about a month and a half. He refused to shower everyday, even after he worked out. He refused to hear my thoughts on (if we got to this point) having a career, or having anything except 4 boys. He's a Southern Republican. He refused to go out on dates, never once bought me flowers. He ran whenever things got hard. He told me he doesn't like my cooking. He acts like a 5 year old. Whenever I stared longingly at baby clothes (I am a girl, I want babies, and we had talked about it in the future before) he said no baby! no baby! no baby! I couldn't explain to him that I am a girl, I love babies and baby clothes, but I do not want them now! He's not romantic! Blames it on his lack of money, has no creativity! 

But then I explain away some of these habits. He was a poor college student. When things got hard we rarely saw each other because of distance. I want to be a stay at home mom. You can't control what gender your children are. I can compromise with him to get him to shower. 

But then I remember the good. He loves to cuddle. I sleep so well when I'm with him. Everything feels right when we are together. He has a lucrative career. We have the same goals. He doesn't mind my expensive taste, because he understands quality. He knows what I like in bed, and I'm very difficult. He likes to take me house shopping. We just get along perfectly when we are together. The problem is when we are apart. 

I was a bitch to him when he broke up with me, and he ran back to me 6 months later. I was a bitch to him when he took everything back, and I'm convinced he'll come running back. 

The thing that I keep thinking about is the fact that the last time he was supposed to come down went down like this. He told me he broke it off with her (the truth was that she broke it off with him, they were not together after about 9 months according to fbook, but she considered him cheating). He told me he was coming down that weekend to make everything ok. Then he asked me to apologize to her for telling her about me. I did, 3 times because he wasn't satisfied with what I said. I didn't hear from him for 2 days, then he just didn't show up. 

I need to stop thinking about him. I no longer want to be with him (or at least I want to be with someone else), but I can't move on 100% until I get serious with someone else. And based on my previous post, you can see that I'm in a pickle (hehe!). 

I can't tell any of my friends these thoughts (what I'm convinced of) so I will share them here, where I won't be able to hear Ryann! What are you talking about!!!!! Sam is an ASS!!!!! Stop thinking about him!!!!!.... Because it is so much easier said than done. And the girl who would say these things was off and on with a guy for 5 years, who cheated on her. O, and during a break tried to kiss me, her best friend. So I can't say it out loud. So you guys get to hear me bitch!

I guess I can't take my cell phone to bars anymore, now that I only half hate him now, I will drunk text him, either bitching him out or begging him back. 

I'm thinking about begging him back, and then abandoning him, but I know I would just fall for him again. 

Loneliness

I know that this is something that is annoying to listen to, but I'm lonely! I have had 1 real bf that lasted 3 months, then we were involved about 6 months later for about 4 more months. I miss having someone to hold me and tell me everything is ok after a bad day. Or someone to take care of when he had a bad day. Or a better future to hope for. I hung out with my best friend and her amazing bf (who I am head over heels in love with because he treats her so well) tonight at the bowling ally. I had a really good time, but it just made me more lonely as they were planning on where they were going to stay the night, his place or her place. 

I've never had a adult relationship. Mine and my exes relationship consisted of beer pong with his friends and going back to my room to have sex. We talked about children and marriage and our future, but he broke up with me as soon as I moved 1 hour away for my internship. We talked about it again when we were working things through, but once again he ended it when he wasn't getting what he wanted. I'm ready for an adult relationship with more concerns than who's going to buy the beer for the weekend. 

I know that it will happen when I don't want it (I was having the most fun I'd ever had in college when I fell for my ex) and its great to pretend on the outside that I'm having a ball. But the periodic make out at a bar, or hook up at a party just doesn't cut it. I guess it will happen when it happens. I just need to learn to chase a little, if I become interested in someone I meet through someone, I don't need to hope that he'll ask about me, I need to do what I can to see him again, and compliment him. I also need to accept dates with guys, even if I don't see potential, because you never know. I need to grow some balls, make the first move sometimes (but let him make the big move). I also need to make a point of calling! Instead of settling for texting! I also need to go for a guy who is going somewhere in life, not a guy who barely graduating from high school and is now jumping from job to job, because he keeps getting fired! I need a future! 

Any ideas on where to meet a good guy?

25 things about me!

This is my second blog. This blog is about me. I have decided to begin this blog with a 25 things about me:

1. I'm just now getting into Grey's and Desperate Housewives

2. I don't like The Hills

3. But I love Lauren Conrad and Lo

4. I can't cook

5. But I'm learning on myself

6. I'm still not over my ex

7. My longest relationship was my above ex- 3 months

8. I lost my virginity to him when I was almost 22

9. I've never slept with someone older than me

10. I just want a bf for the physical right now

11. I have a history of going for guys who aren't really going anywhere in life

12. I'm still teaching myself how to look nice

13. I look more like I'm in high school than I should teach high school- what my degree is in

14. I'm bad at making and keeping friends

15. I miss senior year of college- when I had friends, and then a bf

16. I come off as a bitch- just because I don't know what to say when I first meet someone

17. I have horrible luck

19. Nothing has ever worked out the way I hope

20. I'm jealous of almost everyone else I meet

21. I catch myself wondering what I would do if I wasn't hot

22. I wear tight clothes to get attention from guys

23. I'm a contradiction- I don't even understand myself

24. I remember guys faces and names before I ever remember girl's

25. I wish I wasn't so lonely, but anytime a friend comes over I just want them to leave.