Another Meltdown

So I had a pretty bad meltdown yesturday while talking to Sam. I felt it coming, but still texted him. I know what caused it, my mom had me try a new method of b12 absorption. It didn't work.
But he stuck by me. When I get like that, all I want is answers. And when he gives me half answers it frustrated me even further. So I think he finally realized it, we talked it out, and I was ok.
I finally sent him an email explaing the b12, that I'm trying one more thing and ill warn him, and what he can do to help me. I ended with the fact that I still wanted to be with him, but I know he has a gf and won't sabatoge their relationship.
He has agreed to come to my hotel room to have tuna casserole, and he wants to watch walle.
But esp at the end of my meltdown he kept saying how he still wants to be my friend. And how he is holding his tongue bc he wants to be my friend. I also told him I really appreciated it.
I think my meltdown has to do with my near lunch thing with jeremy. He had to work so he cancelled. He isn't what I'm looking for at all. He's young and is having fun, but I'm over that phase and want someone who is too. Which Sam is.

So screwed

So Taisha (a girl I work with at Target) and I went to play pool last night, got bored and went to city limits. So I walk upstairs and I see Billy, I give him a hug, turn the corner see Tab, and give her a hug, turn around and see... Jeremy Way. 

So first of all, as you can guess by the name, Taisha is black. And City Limits is a country bar. I told her about it and she was apprehensive about going, bc she didn't want to cause trouble and was afraid there would be race issues. I told her I had never seen anything, that there are other black people, who are regulars, and I got her to go. And she loved it, all of my friends walked up to her and introduced themselves. And Jeremy actually turned around and had a conversation with him. I told her after I was a little nervous as well, that I had seen black people, and had danced with them, but had never hung out with them the entire night. 

So, last night with Jeremy- we started talking and turns out he has Crohn's. I dunno if his flairs have been as bad as mine, but he has only had 2. He has been rushed to the hospital about it because of anemia and has to have IV iron. So we kinda chilled together all night, stood or sat beside each other and joked around. He tried to get me to dance with him, but I was too tired, I danced a few times, but I'd get tired within a few songs. 

Oh, and he threw his cigarettes and then took me out to his car and crushed his other pack in front of me. But he will probably just buy more. 

Oh, and he asked me to go to lunch with him.

And he has a gf, but he's listed as complciated

So I just told my best friend about this who is how I know Tabby and Billy and Jeremy. And she doesn't like it bc he has a gf, she doesn't think I should go to lunch with him. But she also considers dancing cheating, and I don't agree. What happens in the corner and at the after party is cheating. And I think holding hands is cheating, holding hands to me means that you have feelings for them. But she said that she would forget what I told her. 

She also said he doesn't treat gfs right at all. The only thing he mentioned was that he got mad at her for helping another guy with his truck. So this is kind of hypocritical, but it's just lunch, and if he wants to cause drama with his gf, I'm staying out of it. 

boy update:

Sam- just friends. We talked a little today. He is def helping me out when I go to Charlotte, but he sounds like he will be busy. We are just at the same point in our lives. Just starting out on our own, not really into partying, but ready to settle down to a certain extent. I still want to invite him over to watch Wall-e, but I am fine with jsut watching Wall-e, I just want to be with him.

Bryan- he's a partier. He goes bar hopping a lot. I'm not sure what he does now, but he wants to do something with stock options. And he's a talker. At least through facebook messages. 

Jeremy- I can't even believe I'm mentioning him in my updates. He flirted with me at bowling today. Brittani and I were looking at girl stuff on her comp- wedding dresses, taylor swift and juliane hough music videos, and dancing with the stars, and he kept coming over while she bowled. He also tried to trip me, and I just stepped over him which he made fun of me for. It's just little hs flirting. I'm only mentioning him bc, while he has a gf, I need to get laid and I have a tendency of drunkenly hooking up with young (2-3 years younger) guys who I just find attractive. And he's a friend of Brittani's, who is turning 21 in a week and a day. I don't think they are good enough friends for that, esp bc he has a gf, and his gf's bff is Brittani's other bff who will be there, and Brittani will be there and she already thinks I'm a slut for trying to sleep with Sam, who I have feelings for. I just want to fuck Jeremy. 

I think I have a thing for wanting what I can't have... 2 of these guys have gf's. And I am completely guy obsessed! 

Just friends!

So I've started to summarize our convo this afternoon, but it's short and easier to write it out:

Me: I just wantedto say it did mean a lot that u apologized for last fall. We both messed up and I've very sorry as well.

Sam: Well I know I did I'm sorry.

Me: R u really thinking about getting that truck?

Sam: Yes ma'am! Soon as I get the money! 

Me: With the lift and everything? 

Sam: Oh yeah, four door. I want a big one.

Me: That's manlier than chest hair (he has no chest hair except for 1 or 2 literally and is very insecure about it, but I hate chest hair).

Sam: Haha I know I can't grow chest hair. Lol that's the funniest joke you've told me. 

Me: I hate chest hair, but I know u don't. I'm just trying to make u feel better. Chest hair is dirty and gross, and u keep ur cars clean.

Sam: Haha I know. I'm at the gym you can text me later if you want.

Me: I'm getting my nails done, and I'm getting drinks with someone tonight. She didn't see the pic did she?

Sam: Nah, well have fun. Be safe tonight! 

So I lied about the drinks... I'm too tired even if I had someone to have drinks with. 

But he is getting the truck.

And I told him I'm moving to Charlotte earlier, hopefully over the summer! 

I'm at work at Target and have become obsessed with a guest. He has come in a few times, including today... Sick. I was actually telling Taisha about him 5 min before, and then there he was, on my way out for my lunch break. So of course I helped him.
Anyway, his name is Bryan and he is amazingly hot! And quiet, and he seems sweet. But on my way out I told him I hoped he felt better. My crazy bitch side came out, and of course I discovered he has a fbook. Friend him?
Otherwise Sam and I r just friends, and he said he couldn't do anything, but hed def meet up with me in charlotte!

I have no social life!

So I "go out" once, maybe twice a week. The maybe is when my friend doesn't have to work and we go to a bar called City Limits... not nice at all, you fit in wearing flip flops, jeans and a beater. But I feel comfortable there and I like the atmosphere. My only other time I go out is on Thursdays when I go watch my best friend bowl. But I work 7 days a week, I go to work, come home, cook, clean, watch tv, go to bed. When most people hang out with friends it's on their days off, or the night before a day off... I don't get those enough to maintain a new friendship. 

So, 2 things:

1. There is this cute guy that is on Brittani's team... one problem... he's 19. But he's still good to look at. But since it is my one day that I get to get out I dress up a little. I wear my knee high boots and low cut shirt and everything. But last time the temp dropped significantly, something I didn't realize, and we were sitting right in front of the door. So he ran outside to get his coat for me. We had one conversation that consisted of "you look bored" "yup." So that was nice of him. I really need to get some... by a guy my age... a good guy... that I am in a relationship with... so I can stop lusting over 19 year olds. 

2. I have decided to move to Charlotte no matter what. I have no life here, I need to start over. I'm moving when my lease is up in December. I'll transfer to a Target in Charlotte. And I already have friends in Charlotte. Not only Sam, but also some friends from college. I just need to get through the next 9 months. 

He apologized!

So Sam and I started talking today about how much we wanted to be with each other, how I would probably say yes if he asked to come over at midnight again, but how much it sucked that he couldn't do anything. So then I told him I didn't want the same thing to happen again as last time, and then he voluntarily apologized for messing me up, that he knew I was going through a really tough time. I was going to make him anyway, but he did voluntarily! 

So then we did our full blown sex texts for a long time. This is how I got him last time... sex, then he wanted me. 

I'm starting to debate whether or not to let him cheat on his gf. On the one hand, if he can cheat once, he may again. On the other, he did tell me that I was the best he's ever had, while I was not saying anything close to this to him, and this is why he would cheat.

And if he has great sex with me, as many times as he wants, and then has fun with me, he would get the whole package, and may fall for me again...

Either way, I just sent him a sexy pic... 

Manners

So recently I have become obsessed with manners, in my quest to become the perfect little housewife for Sam. I actually rented this great little book on manners by Kate Spade. It has adorable little pictures and I am marking things I want to photocopy to compile. 

It doesn't irritate me when other people don't have manners (save for the leg spreading crotch scratch, and other similar extreme situations), but it bothers me when I think about a situation I was just in, and I have horrible manners. 

For instance, tonight, I see this girl who's bf I had a crush on in high school. I see him a few minutes later (attached to her at the hip for the rest of the night) from across the bar. At the end of the night (at least for me) I decide to walk up to them and say hey. I say hey to him (who doesn't recognize me, I was about 50 pounds at about 5' the last time we had a lengthy conversation, and that is no exaggeration) and I also said hey to his gf (who I knew but had never had a real conversation with, despite attending the same school for at least 4 years) and their male friend. 

But my manners were horrible! I spoke with him for a minute, and the whole time was trying to walk away! And he continued to ask me question after question about myself, but I did not ask him a single question about himself. His gf was very intimidating, I don't think she liked me talking to him, but he is a nice guy and he was very nice to me, gf be damned. 

But I never asked him a single question about what he is doing now, how his school was (Harvard!), not a single question.

And, although I am getting better, I have always been like this. I have never thought of myself as self-centered, I always worry about other people. But I don't know how to express my worry, or I don't realize its something to worry about until after they have told me the situation and I have walked away from them with an "o, I'm sorry." I have never been the one to ask the what are you up to, what is that like, questions about the other person.

Hopefully I will learn! And soon! I want to become the perfect little housewife! I really do! I want to be a Lilly Pulitzer wearing, Sunday brunch hosting, Meatloaf producing, oversized SUV driving, little housewife. 

I guess I need to improve my social skills first! Such as my inability to hang out with a group of only girls for more than 5 minutes without wanting to pull my hair out! 

Disappearance

So I haven't talked to Sam much since I saw him. 

He texted me when I got home and we talked for a bit. I asked if he was going to come see a country concert with me and he said def maybe. Then he started with sexual stuff and I said I missed a few things, and nothing.

Then today I told him I bought a tv (my first great tv, 37' hdtv) and he said nice what kind. And that was it. 

I guess I won't text him for a few days. 

And we shall see! 

He's changed!

So, I just got back from Charlotte to go to IKEA (and to see Sam) and it was great! 

So I got there at about 11 last night and immediately passed out. When I told him I was getting a hotel he was like I'm not gonna do anything and I told him that was fine, that I had gotten one because we were starting out so early in the morning. Well when I got to the hotel I asked if he wanted to just watch tv (it would have been nice to fall asleep in his arms again) but his bro had something all day today and he was going back to school sunday, so he wanted to spend time with his bro. 

Then at 1230 I got this:

Sam: you still up

...the hotel I'm staying in...

Sam: I should have come and seen you. I'm sorry

Me: Its ok, I wouldn't have wanted something to happen

Sam: Yeah, well I kinda want to now. Your not mad are you

Me: No. Let me keep thinking ur a good guy

Sam: Ok well we will get some breakfast tomorrow. :) I will pick you up around 8

Me: ok. U could come earlier if you wanted. Lemme know

Sam: Ok I'll try. I'll text you if I get up earlier

So I was half asleep during this, but doesn't that seem as though if I had invited him just then he would have cheated? 

We had breakfast and he was really sweet, he put his arm around me, kept touching me knee. Paid for it. 

Then during IKEA he stayed with me, didn't complain, and then once we got to the decor where it was crowded he waited semi patiently (he moved and I couldn't find him) until I was done. We had a lot of fun, it was nice.

When we were saying good bye and giving me a hug he grabbed my ass, but only kissed me on the cheek. 

And in the beginning of us being friends last fall everytime we left, it felt like it was a strained niceness on both our parts. But this time it didn't. Maybe because I didn't have sex with him because that's when it usually falls apart. I'll have to use this to my advantage. He goes shopping with me... I have sex with him. 

And he wants me to come down again the next time hes in Charlotte, which will probably be for Easter. I need to anyway for more IKEA! 

He's changed though- for the good:

He paid for breakfast

He drove

He kept asking how I am, questions about me

He didn't hurry my slow eating

He let me leave my purse with him, on my boxes, but he had it in his possession without me in site. There was a time when I couldn't sit it beside him while I was in the dressing room.

He restrained himself- somewhat

He tried to look nice for this- he cut his hair and shaved

He said he's going to get the truck I like- 4-door with a lift. 

And he even looked at a really cute kid, and commented on another- and didn't say anything when I made comments about both. 

My mother's opinion

So tomorrow is the big day, and I really do think that Sam would cheat on his gf with me. I keep teasing him saying we could always get a hotel, and then taking it back. I know he misses me sexually, we'll just see how much! 

But I just stopped by and talked to my mom and she asked if I had talk to Sam recently. So I told her that I was meeting him down there. She said to tell him that she really liked him now that she got to know him. And also that if we started dating again I would probably move to Charlotte (well, duh!). But that's on her mind! 

Well she did forsee us being friends again after last fall, so maybe she'll forsee us dating again? 

So maybe he was in love with me?

So I decided to reread my lj from the past 4 years, with a few entries that recap last fall. And I think he was in love with me, for a very short period of time. But he still developed strong feelings for me for a short period of time! 

The reason I think this is because he did say it. He said it during sex, but since he was already getting sex, why else would he have to say it? So the rest of the weekend it really could have been my imagination, but I felt closer to him. Or it could have been that I was holding myself back, and I finally let myself get closer. 

But the thing that I read that convinced me was what he told me before I drove home. He told me to text him when I got home. And I did and we texted for a bit, but then he disappeared for a week once he got back to school. (He told me this when I visited him during fall break. And he went back the next day, so something happened when he got back).

But I really do think he developed real, strong feelings for me for a period of time! 

So maybe he can again! After a period of time. And if there wasn't another girl.

Imagine if I was the only sex he was getting, when he is in Charlotte, and we are talking about me moving down there. We shall see!!!! 

Damsel in distress

I may just be vulnerable, but I really do need Sam. 

So I'm not sure if I've described in full why I really do need someone to help me when I go to IKEA. I had a very minor surgery today, so minor I drove myself home. Basically I inherited my father's skin. I have a lot of moles. I began seeing a dermatologist about them over the summer and she immediately took 3 for biopsy, and 2 more later. So far 2 have come back as pre cancerous, and 1 re-pigmented, which means I have had 3 minor surgeries to get more tissue removed. I had my third today. I can do everything I set my mind to, except doing anything that may stretch that area of my body (my stomach) (this means no crazy wild sex, no exercise, no bull riding, and no lifting). 

So, when I go to IKEA, someone will be needed to put some things in my car (honestly I wouldn't be able to list some things at my best). This is where Sam comes in. I will play the damsel in distress and make him feel all manly. Because every guy wants to feel manly (especially him, he's kinda short (a little taller than me, the height I really do like), and he has no hair on his chest (I love it, he has a very strong chest too). 

Anyway, so I have been thinking a lot lately about why I want him back. I mean he broke up with me the first time 2 days before I began student teaching. He told me he was going to make love to me in his car up at the Jackson county airport that overlooks WCU (very romantic, esp for him). He tried to have sex with me before we went to Zaxby's but I refused (explaining this would be way TMI). When I got in there was a towel in the front seat, he told me he didn't remember why it was there, he and his butt buddy had been drunk driving too much recently. In his defense his butt buddy drove drunk that night. I had lost 2 friends to a drunk driver, they were driving home one night and were rear ended and run off the road by a drunk driver who left them for dead thinking they would be ok in a car wrapped around a tree and towed away in 3 pieces. He knew this, I had a photo of them hanging over my bed, my guardian angels. Just over the past year have I finally been able to pack away all of their stuff. He knew all this. He still did it, he still made a joke about it, he still thought I overreacted when I sat in silence to cool off, and then screamed at him when he persisted. When we got home he broke up with me. That began a series of bad events, none of which either of us could have foreseen.

Then, he told me he was still in love with me, while he was in a pseudo relationship with another crazy spoiled bitch girl. He took it back, a week later, plenty of time for me to let myself finally fall in love with him. I demanded he break up with her. He told me he would, twice, told me he was afraid he lost me, didn't want to lose me, never broke it off with her for a month. I finally gave up, and told her, then her best friend. She broke up with him for cheating (they were not in a relationship according to facebook, they were not in a real relationship, it was not cheating! you want to be exclusive, you demand a title). He told me he would come down to make everything ok, I just had to apologize to her and her friends (I was a bit of a bitch, esp in the message to her friends). Didn't hear from him for 2 days. Then when I was expecting him, while I was at work, I finally got ahold of him, he called me a dumb bitch and hung up. 

To get back at him the second time i did sent numerous texts to him telling he had a tiny stinky dick and he wasn't the best I'd ever had (not the entire truth, I have sense told him the entire truth, that he doesn't have as much experience as someone else, but that he knows the details of what I like better than the other guy). 

Well, after everything he has done to me, when things are good, I think of everything he does for me. 

My explanations:

The first time, I had just moved an hour away (still should have been able to make it), but we had begun fighting. 

The second time, I had gone crazy. He shouldn't have done what he did, but I did over react a little, not much. I was under a lot of stress, and he doesn't know that I don't deal well with my own stress, that's why I worry about other people more than myself. And i had no outlet.

Things that need to change to make it good again: 

Distance is number 1. He is way to physical to do a long distance relationship. Although he has said that if he got sex with me it would be worth the distance from Charlotte to Raleigh. He has a job offer in Charlotte, a great job offer. And I love Charlotte, I would be more than willing to move there once my lease is up here. 

Money is another. I know how this sounds. Basically, when we were together we never went out, anywhere. And when we went to fast food he wouldn't eat anything. I have realized why, it was the money, not being frugal. He had no money when we were together, and what little he had was spent on gas, and buying his brother food when he began losing weight. But after his job over the summer he has saved up some money. And now he takes Amanda out on dates, periodically. 

The romance would have to increase, which I believe is related to money. But he thinks money is necessary. He needs to learn that you can be romantic without money, and that this is the best romance. Just a little thing from the dollar tree that makes him think of me is so much better than an expensive bracelet. Both would be even better! 

He would have to get over his insecurities, or at least a little. I love wearing heels. When I do I am almost his height. I won't wear them daily, I will do my best to keep them short. But every time I did in the past he gave me hell. I bitched at him about it recently, like since last fall, and he didn't know what I was talking about. Maybe he realized how much it hurt me. 

There is more, that I can't think of. But no one is perfect. 

He has to be able to talk things out. You can't solve problems without talking it out. And it is ok to fight. His parents fought all the time and his mom has been in and out of the house. He needs to realize that couples do fight, and a periodic fight is ok. 

His attire will have to change. It's great, for his age. But it will have to change. 

I feel as though we really are perfect for each other:

When we are physically together, everything is perfect. The entire world is ok. Nothing bad can happen. Anything that does happen I can overcome. He has said the same.

We have the same goals in life. A comfortable life. The stereotypical American dream. 

We have the same taste. We both like quality, pretty much no matter the cost. We like the same houses. 

We get along when we are together. We have only fought (except for once after fighting for 2 weeks) when we were apart. 

I'm blonde!!!!!!

So despite the snow on the roads, I still drove out at 930am for my 10am hair apointment. And now I'm blonde!!!!! It's lighter than I wanted and it looks weird, but it may just be that I'm not used to it!!! 

Anyway, so I got up this morning at 4am and looked at my phone. Sam had texted me at midnight asking if I still needed help. So I talked to him all morning. He's still going to help me (all night I was thinking I would get a text saying sorry, can't help you), and it's going to be in the 70s, so I'll wear my top dress. He also said he really wants to see my hair. He doesn't like to make people feel bad, he always told me I looked beautiful, esp on days when I was just grunging it. But he has said something about liking blonde hair. And when I told him I was doing it he told me he liked my hair the way it was. It's not like he'll only date blondes (Amanda has dark brown hair) but I know he prefers blondes. 

And I love being blonde. One of our regular redneck guests who is really nice flirted with me today. And the pharmacist definitely pointed this out a few hours later. And then this hot oldish (in his 30s, maybe 40s, but def beyond what I'm looking for) flirted with me a little. 

But as far as my beer thing with Branden, he told me he knew of some bars, asked where I was, I told him, and he never replied. Haven't heard from him since. 

Anyway, I hope things change between Sam and I. I hope that he will break up with Amanda soon. I know what our issue was. It was distance. He will more than likely be stay in Charlotte, even after his family moves. But after my lease runs out, I would love to move, and Charlotte is def in my list of places I want to move to, with or without Sam. (Although if Sam and I are "not on speaking terms" when I move, I don't want to go to Charlotte. But before I met Sam, I wanted to move to Charlotte.)