Can't wait till Charlotte!

So I talked to him yesterday. I texted him a lot, trying to get him to talk to me. And then I told him not to make me mad or I may tell her. Which I knew would get him. So I apologized. Turns out he sprained his ankle playing basketball and lost his phone last week.

I told him I was would like to hear from him soon, which I thought would be Wednesday, because he had work to do till then.

About an hour later he texted me, talking about how stressed he was. So I told him a story to help him release his stress. And then another. 

Then I told him I was worried about him getting stressed out about cheating. 

Sam: I'm not sure

Me: Do u want to stop?

Sam: Yeh I should. Have you been talking to anyone?

Why would he ask that? Why would he say he should stop, and in the same text ask if I'm seeing anyone? 

He's said he's really gonna try to stay in Charlotte. 

Nothing for a week

So I haven't heard from him for a week. And I'm not bothered by it, at least not very much. I began a pill for depression and anxiety this week, with bad side effects. The dizziness and nausea are getting better, but I still have nervousness for a few hours after I take it. It's not quite an anxiety attack, although I am close right now, but my whole body is just kind of tense, I can't stop clenching my jaw. I'm seeing my psychiatrist again Monday, I'll talk to her then.

Anyway, so here is why I am concerned. I saw on Amanda's away message this past weekend that she was staying in taking care of her baby- either Sam or her dog. And nothing in reference to it since, in fact besides a photo post on her Facebook, there has been no activity, she hasn't even been online for a few days. But I'm sure if there was something seriously wrong with Sam she would have posted something.

Also, at the beginning of our last convo he said he came up to my hotel thinking it would happen, and that he doesn't hold it against me.

Also, with the vacation to Beaufort I said that I have no one to go with and he asked when I wanted to go. I do think he would like it. But he has a gf still. 

Anyway, back to studying so that I can pass this exam and move to Charlotte! Two weeks and 2 days until he graduates, and I see him soon after! 

Two things to say to him

So I got bored last night and read through our most recent conversation, a very sexual one. And before it turned to sexual, which he brought up, well here's how it went:

I tell him I'm still dating...

Me: I'm trying to get over u, bc u really don't seem to want to be with me. But everyone either parties or is married (the truth).

Him: You still moving to Charlotte?

Me: Yes. I have friends there. Travis (a friend from college) knows everyone. While I'd like to think wed get together, I doubt it, so I have opportunities.

Him: That one place is right down the road from me (I looked at one complex near him).

Me: Well u have a gf, and ga. So what's the point? I'm gonna get a job then find a place. I didn't like it anyway.

Him: I'll still talk to you.

Then I ask him if he came up to my hotel thinking that would happen and he said he thought it might and then I asked if he thought they would last and he said he didn't know.

But next time I go down I'm going to tell him I want to look at apartments, but I can't because I don't know where I'll work. He'll probably tell me to just look in North Charlotte and I'll ask him why he wants me to move there so much. 

The other convo I want to have with him is about my vacation. I told him before that that I just needed a vacation and I told him about Beaufort, where I want to go. He asked when I wanted to go, just polite convo. But I'm gonna bring it up again. Of course there is no way we would go if he still had a gf, but I really do think he would like the town. It's a very slow town. I want to go horseback riding, which he told me he used to do when his family had horses. And I want to go parasailing. It's a town where you just kinda walk down the street and window shop. Well see! I found a great little bed and breakfast, and I have enough money already saved up for 1 night. We'll see! 

so Sam and I texted in our own special little way again yesturday. And he really seems to want me in Charlotte, in North Charlotte, where he lives. He was really talking about a complex I looked at. And I told him I've been dating (fine, I lied), but I probably will start a physical thing with Jeremy. We talked about that last night. Can't wait to be in Charlotte though. He said he doesn't know if him and Amanda will make it. 

I also decided what I will get him for graduation- a Chevy key ring with manlier than anything engraved on the back. Because of when I told him that truck is manlier than chest hair.

Working with crazy bitch today... all day... then Sunglass hut. Long day, can't wait for a vacation! 

I hope things haven't changed

So I hope things haven't changed between Sam and I since we slept together. We had fun in the IKEA parking lot, it didn't feel awkward, at least not on my side. And I tend to look for awkward. 

But I have hardly talked to him since. I asked him to talk to me on my way out to my car on Friday, and after saying I would try anyway he said he was busy. I asked again on Saturday with no reply. I had a feeling I shouldn't try again, and I was right, apparently she had dinner with his family.

But I have never seen him freak out like that. I am worried about him. I am worried he'll stress out again and she'll figure it out. I just don't want him to get hurt. But I am hoping the guilt will get to him and he will break up with her, and he will get with me. 

But I am going to text him tomorrow afternoon, and just tell him that I am worried about him, I have never seen him like that. Also that he didn't have to worry about me. I won't tell her, and my perception of his feelings for me haven't changed. Also that I hope that still feels comfortable talking to me, that I am still here for him in any way he needs, and that I still need him to be my friend. And also that I am not only moving to Charlotte for him. My other reasons are important enough that even if he ended up in Georgia, I would still come to Charlotte this summer. But that I hope he would stay in Charlotte, that I still think it is in his best interest. And I think I'd also request that he unblock me. That e-mail is outdated, and not checked often. And that it would be nice to be able to send him messages on facebook, but that I would feel better not being friends with him, that I actually think it would be a better idea. 

This is a lot... should I e-mail this? I just did. 

The next day

So yesturday I saw him again. He was sick :-(. But we didn't have time to eat because he slept in, which is good. He carried in the heavy thing all by himself, I returned it, bought my chair covers, and then we went back out to my car to eat the pie. Which he kept saying was amazing. He also really liked the Maui Jims and kept saying that even if I got them free he would give me money for them. He seems to really be worried about my financial status. 

We had a lot of fun just hanging out. He helped me clean and seemed to be really impressed with how prepared I was and how much I cleaned. 

I told him the full story of the night I blacked out, I know I told him I woke up next to some guy when we were dating, but I never told him the full story and he thought it was funny. I kept telling him he needs to tell her, but that I wouldn't tell her. I don't think he will.

But he kept hugging me really tight which was nice. He offered to help me move. I hope he stays in Charlotte... I haven't talked to him since though. I probably won't hear from him for a week. I can only hope... 

I'm in Charlotte!

So yesterday I wore my boots and everything to Charlotte. He didn't realize I was making him dinner and he felt horrible because I got upset.

So I get to Charlotte, get unpacked and decide to go out somewhere. I decide to go to the mall he took me to awhile ago.... and go lost on the other side (the bad side of town) which is where I was when he was ready to hang out. So he gave me directions back to the mall, where I met him, in my boots. I was going to look for a matching let of lingerie because I have none, and I'd like to start wearing matching sets, when I wear nice stuff. I told him and he told me he would help me look, which I was surprised about.

So I found a really cute set at Express, and by this point the mall was about to close so we left. I thanked him for helping me pick out lingerie that he would never see and he kinda laughed and said ur welcome.

So we went up to my hotel to watch Wall-e and decided to eat my food tomorrow (probably not going to happen).

So I ask him if he wants to see the other pics, and reluctantly, he agrees. So he just sits there and looks at them.

I eat my lean cuisine while he's looking in deep concentration, lost in the picture. When I'm done I ask if he wants me to put on the lingerie, and he says yes. So I sit down on the bed, and talk to him, and ask him if he wants to, if he really wants to, if he has thought this through, if he thought about it knowing I was coming down this weekend, and if he had already decided to then. He said he knew he shouldn't come up to my hotel room because he knew he couldn't resist me. He mentioned that he had never cheated before (he mentioned Sarah but I assured him that that was not cheating, they hadn't said they were exclusive). And I could see it in his eyes he was thinking hard (pun intended) about this- probably not the right time to discuss this with him.

He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me, he didn't think it would last long. I told him it was fine. I said that he didn't want it to end the same as last time, I explained that last time we were just friends, then he began acting as though we were more, and I let my feelings come out. As long as he only says what he wants, as long as he doesn't say he's still in love with me when he really isn't, I will be fine. I told him I still had feelings for him, that I hoped for a future, but if it happened, I didn't expect it to happen anywhere anytime soon. 

While thinking he was already touching me, and I said ur already cheating and he stopped. But I reminded him of the texts and the pics and said that he already had. 

So then he leaned over and kiss me. Took my lingerie off, and we went at it just like usually. 

A few min in he said he had to stop, he felt horrible. He was really freaking out. I got dressed and told him it was ok and hugged him. He kept worrying about me and I kept telling him I was worried about him, would he be ok.

I also told him not to rule me out as a future something, that if he and her are together forever, that's great, but if not, to consider me. He said he would.... but I dunno if he just didn't want me to get upset. I can understand if he doesn't have feelings for me, esp while having a gf, and esp because of all my breakdowns last fall, that I still don't have myself straightened out, but I hope he really does consider it. 

He was bigger than I remembered, and I'm not just talking about down there, but his body, he's taller and has more muscle. 

From the beginning he said he wouldn't tell her. I kept saying a girl always knows, but I wouldn't tell her. It may have just been last night, but he was really freaking out. I tried to get him to stay, because I was worried about him, but he wouldn't, but we talked for a min and I explained that he shouldn't live in a relationship full of lies. 

Today I will tell him the hardest thing I ever did was to tell him about the night, right after we started dating, when I blacked out for the first time, and woke up laying on a mattress with some other guy. I was fully dressed, belt buckle and all (which are hard to put together sober), so I knew nothing happened. But I was glad I got it out there, no matter what he wouldn't have done, bc I knew it had to be out there. He no longer trusted me to stay the night at Brett and Travis's, understandable, but we stayed together.

However, I didn't cheat.... he did. 

I also told him about me, Pete and Ryan. I was with Pete a month (not nearly as long as them), but Pete had fallen in love with me. I had been in love with Ryan, and thought I was over him when I dated Pete. At the end of a month, I began talking to Ryan as friends, and realized I still had strong feelings for him, feelings I would never develop for Pete just because of who we both were, we weren't right for each other. So I told broke up with Pete, told him it just wouldn't work out, but left Ryan out of it. Pete did find out about Ryan, and didn't believe me when I said I did have feelings for him, esp in the beginning, dating him had nothing to do with getting over Ryan, but once I realized I still had feelings for Ryan, I no longer felt it fair to Pete for me to continue dating him. Honestly, I may have waited a week just to see if it was just a fling, but Ryan was coming into town and 2 days after I broke up with Pete, I was physically with Ryan. But if I really did want to be with Pete, wouldn't I have either cheated, or broken up with him, been with Ryan, and then gotten back with Pete? Pete was emo by the way, kinda annoying, and def not my type. 

I'm also going to suggest he talks to a good friend about it, maybe someone who doesn't know her, or someone who does who will know how she would react, and see what they say he should do, someone not in the situation. I doubt he will, he's a very personal guy. 

Anyway, so then I read a blog about a girl who has a similar (but much longer) background with her ex, and it began with his dieing, and how she was depressed and was just going places, like his funeral and everything, without really thinking about it.

It had all been a dream, but it really freaked me out to the point that I tried to get him to meet me. He wouldn't and then he called me trying to figure out what was wrong. He finally gave up, and 10 min later I texted him and he told me that it was just a dream, don't base my feelings on it. Which was the last thing he said. I kept explaining what was going on, and finally I got him to send me a blank text just to tell me he was ok. 

I finally calmed down and went to bed. 

The bed still smells like him and me. I don't want to get up... 

Things are better

So I had another breakdown, that actually lasted a few days, but just one day was full against Sam. I ended up going to the doctor for chest pains (I irritated something in my chest wall) and he gave me Xanax, which didn't work, and then he gave me Valium, 10 mg. Most people get 2 or 5 mg. I have 10! OMG! Anyway, so if I'm just irritated and out in public I take Xanax. But if I'm having a full on attack, like I was one day, Xanax does nothing... I'll try Valium. 

Anyway, so I haven't hardly talked to him since. He hasn't seemed like he wanted to talk to me over the past week or 2, and I've been trying to figure out what happened. I thought it was actually because I had mentioned several times that I wanted to get back with him. 

So I finally talk to him about it tonight, because I really didn't want it to be uncomfortable tomorrow. So I asked him what was going on, and I found out it's just my freak outs that's bothering him, that it's not that I keep saying I want to be back with you (which I will cool off on as well).

So everything is ok. He said he really likes talking to me. I told him that theres no way to say that I won't ever have another breakdown, but now that I have xanax and valium, and I'm trying to make an appointment with my psychiatrist in a few weeks to treat my depression and get on something permanent for anxiety. And I really think it will help!

I just feel like this is a really important trip:

1. I'm cooking for Sam: tuna casserole which is even better warmed up, and sex in a pan, which is really good. And we're watching Wall-e together- all in my hotel room!!!!! 

2. I'm hanging out with Travis Chilcot, one of my good friends from school who lives in Charlotte. So I'm reconnecting with old friends and am working on making connections here. 

3. I'm beginning my hunt for my Charlotte apartment. I know Sam won't help me much with this, but I am going to ask if he will at least give me more ideas, maybe drive me around for a little bit, just so that I can orient myself to the area.